Unpredictable Life(Part 1)

A girl who was a gift by the God. A girl who was born to be perfect. When Kate was born, her mom carried her with her both hands and looked at her with smile. Her mom knew she gonna be an angel, what a beautiful baby. When Kate was 2 years old, her mom sent her to tadika because Kate hate being alone with the nanny. Facing with the nanny bored her. Kept making weird faces in front of her like a witch. Everytime her mom sent her to the nanny, she grabbed her mom's hand tightly with her small little fingers, begged her not to leave her alone. However, her little fingers didn't help at all, her mom pushed away the fingers with ease and tried to escape as soon as she could. After crying and screaming for months, her mom decided to sent her to tadika. Kate was delighted when she knew bout it. She stepped in and saw many kids were running around, chasing each other with laughter. She joined them and circled the room with both hands hung in the air. The teachers in the tadika knew that she gonna be a smart person because she learned many things since she was young. Kate loves to read and her dad bought a shelf of books for her. Her dad missed the moments Kate read the stories to him before went to bed. Until now, she still flip the books every day.

Time flew like a snap of finger. She was standard 1. Still look chubby, short hair and blurred. Of course, she was a kid, a 7 years old girl. Once she stepped in the class, she could feel that her primary school life was going to be awesome with her awesome friends. Yeah,it became true. Her great friends treat her well, Kate believed there were true friends in this world. She believed "BFF" exists.  Anyway, one of her primary friends is still her best friend till now. They get along easily and have the same interests. They love each other very much, appreciates each other and talked every day. Although, they have less conversation now, but their heart is still connected. Kate was a fun, loving person, everyone likes her. She became a librarian for 3 years and became a monitor. Her busy life, not really busy made her became famous at school and she became thinner. Ate fruits as a lunch almost every day but she loves her primary school life. Everything is perfect. A good sweet memories to be kept in heart. She hopes those moments would just hang there and never switch. Why the time needs to move? When she was monitor, rumors flew around and many people obeyed her. Being a leader was new for her, controlled them, asked them to keep quiet like a jeneral in an army. A good army creates harmony, peace and fun. Life had been so good for her. Birthday mattered for her. Her help was been appreciated by others. Smile could be seen every day.


Soon, she was form 1. "Dammit" was the first word she said. Regret for not appreciate the primary school life. Regret for not able to capture those moments. Regret for not crying on the last day. Haiz....Everything had passed, so just need to move on. Keep on with other people' pace and sit straight, head held high in the air and eyes focus in front. So, what to do now? Hmm...Pick a good place and sat on a chair with her friend beside her. That was her first time being nervous, had no clue what to do and what to say. Just sat there like a wood. Her eyes dreamed around the class, smelled the air. It was strange and unfamilliar to her. It gave her a chill. The only thing she could do is convince herself that everything gonna be alright. That was her first day, of course it gonna be strange for her. She was a newbie at town. She told herself that she gonna get use to this school and get along among the students. She could do it! It was a piece of cake.

Yeah. A piece of cake. She made a lot of friends, it was cool. At first, she hate that school because of the education and much much more. She was not satisfied with them, but she got use to it as time passed. At the first year, her results was not that good, just average. Sad with it, but still need to accept it. Just pretend that those are trials. None of them are real. At least she got her close friends with her.The sweet and warm things in her life. They talked, laughed and hang out. Just like primary school. But, things slightly slanted a bit at first year. No worries. Everything gonna be alright, that's what she told herself. No harm done. First year is the best year in secondary school. See-saw will go back to it's position at the end.

Grow Up Poem

Growing up is entering the tomb,
miserable and dull.
Once you lose your cool,
will be locked in an empty chamber.
Carrying a puppy
with a guy from nowhere,
hand in hand walking under the rainbow.
Dark chocolate to soothe the heart,
soon disappear into the midst.
The lonlinest girl in the world,
locks in an empty dark room.
Silence in the air,
only the wind whooshing
and the creaking sound of the door.
A two face person
stabbing a knife,
leaving a deep scar.
Forgiving is one thing,
but forgetting is another.
Nice words in my ears,
evil whispers in the tunnel
by a friend in a mask.
Gossips do hurt,
real or fake does not matter.
A worm turns into a butterfly,
changes in personality and appearance.
A white butterfly
or a black butterfly,
it is up to u....

The bitter part of life

Jane never thought it will be like this. The unwanted things come to me like a tons of bullets coming straight to me as if she is their enemy, take me to the hall of DEATH. DEVIL is waiting for me at the corner, the devil wants to greet me. She wishes the devil never welcome her, she wants to rip off his head and tell him to leave her alone. I never blame the God for treating me like this, take away her smile, the warm inside her body and the friendliness inside her veins. Much to her dismay. Is it her fault? Is she destroying everything? They leave her. They walk the opposite way and ditch her behind. She looks at their back, watching them until out of sight and tears are he prickling down her face. She shivers because the fear inside her. Fear of losing them. What can she do to remove the fear? Just force a fake smile? Impossible. Tired of doing that.

There's a thing freaks her the most, her best friend is not there for her anymore. A pain. Real pain. Thousands of scorpion are crawling into her body, remove all the nutrients and transfer poison. Heart aching. Stake is in the middle of her heart. Why? She told herself not to blame the God anymore, just blame herself. Maybe it is her fault. Maybe it is her friend' fault too. She ditch Jane and walks with other girl. She let go Jane's hand and holds another hand. She stop moving her mouth in front of Jane and moves her mouth non stop in front of another. She stop waiting for Jane and waits for another. She stop sitting with Jane and sits with another. She stop sharing secrets with Jane and shares with another. She stop thinking bout Jane but another. Jane knows all this without needing to be told. What she don't know can hurt her. What she knows also hurt her. So,what is better to do? Her friend and her are best friends in the sense of name, so called best friends. Now, they "were" best friends. Jane don't want the "were" word in her life. She wants "are". But, it seems that the situation is forcing the "are" word to be kept in the box. Jane will do anything to find the key to unlock it. But, if it's just one of them is improving the situation, while another just ignore it and do what she wants, it's not helping at all, useless. Jane will not give up although it is difficult. The cold and miserable atmosphere is just a piece of cake. Is it? Time will heal. She believes the time.

Yeah, Jane is busy all the time. It affects their friendship. Her friend is sick with her busy life and soon...leave her. Not to say leave. Just they don't stick to each other anymore. Facing a robot who move her pen vigorously, correction tape clinking onto the table, paper swooshing and head turns to the right and left. Never done with it. Which kind of friend would like to watch her friend being a robot every day? No one. It bores her to death. But, it is not wrong too. Jane just want to finish her homework and hand in. So, she can have a good rest at home. What's the matter with it? When Jane's free, her friend is not there anymore. In fact., her friend is not bothering to look for Jane. When Jane's trying to look for her friend. She is not there, so Jane asks someone. Someone told her that she is around somewhere else. Wonders fill her mind. Jane thought : "Why she didn't look for me? Why she didn't tell me? Why she left me alone? This is so not her." She hopes that the person was lying to her. She makes her way, quickens her pace and pulls over when she arrives. Then, she tilts her head and sees her friend. Her shoulder hunches down, a sigh comes out from her mouth, wrinkles appear on her forehead, eyebrows pull closer. Disappointment and anger come together like twins. However, she manages to hide it from her friend because she don't want any war between us. There is none so far. Lucky for her. Somehow, she can sense that the situation is getting worse. When her friends go for outing, they never invite her. She felt left out. It's true. She left out. What to do? She can't just tell them that she wants to join. She will feel embarass and disgrace. Afraid that her friends don't want her to join. When they sees her walking alone, they also never ask her to join. This is why she never request.

Are they true friends? Is Jane thinking too much? Jane did many things for them, helps them anytime. When she ask for their help, their eyes dream the room and walk away or give any excuse that come straight to their mind. She is lazy to ask for help now. They will help her? Unless they change. True friends are willing to lend a hand whenever their friend needs help. She never receive a hand from anyone before. It's sad. Pity for her. She needs to face everything on her own. It will make her become independent. But, everyone need someone by their side to give support and cheers for them. Not someone who stares coldly at her, ignores her glance and skips her topic. Alone is a word to describe her life. Sitting at the dark corner with the ants following each other up the wall. She wants to cry so badly but the tears stuck inside her eyes and refuse to come out. Her heart is dying soon, needs medicine to heal. Warm, kindness, care and love are what she needs to move on, what she needs to become the real person. No black swan, just white swan. Watching her friend with "new" person do makes her feel jealous. Does it matters now? Still do. She is still waiting for her friend to hold her hand. Best girl friends do hold hand since they are young.

The bitterness in her heart is more than the sweetness. A sweet sensation is good to soothe her heart. She wants it now so badly.

Here's my answer( Part 2)

Dear Diary:

     Celine is here to beg for the God to take away all her confusion and worries. Sometime, Jaden and I didn’t talk although we stay under the same ceiling, the same room, the same atmosphere. We share the same air, but we never share our feelings. Staying close doesn’t mean we are close. Sitting close to each other, but I can feel that we are far apart, one is in the sky, while one is on the ground. It’s almost been a year I fall for him, but the magnets in our hearts never attract to each other. They keep struggling at the same place. When one is trying to walk towards the another, the another will step backward, This is why we can’t connect together. The line is always disconnect. When I walked past him, I wanted to talk to him, but I walked forward and ignored him. It’s not because I’m shy, it’s because I’m tired already, there’s no point talking to him. He doesn’t want to talk to me either, why should I waste my effort to talk to him? Of course there is a guilt in my heart, but I manage to hide it. Somehow, I wish he will suddenly talk to me and persuade me to talk to him although he is kept to his mind.

     Sometime, when I stepped out of the big and rusty gate, a “bye” is heard from a distance, I knew it’s him and managed to reply. Sometime, I couldn’t reply. Sometime, I didn’t care. I noticed that he was looking at my back. Of course I didn’t turn my head. When I turned my path, I turned my head and saw him nowhere. Disappointment was in my heart, I turned my head forward and made my way. I know he can’t message or call me, I don’t blame him for that. It’s alright because I thought we can chat at school. Just thought, but nothing happen until now. I want to let go the hope in my heart, what you wish too much might hurt you in the end. Fulfill, he will? Nope. Doesn’t know what I want, what I ask for, what am I thinking. To him, I’m a miserable creature. The moments I wished for are past tense. Why? It’s because none of them happen. So, go on with my miserable life and hear nothing to the whispers, ignore the love angels. I told them to stop shooting at me.

     Few months ago, I treat him like a mirror. Walked past him as if I couldn’t see him, couldn’t sense him, couldn’t hear him. Whenever he tried to come near me, I will turn and left the place. I really don’t want to see him. That day, couldn’t he just disappear? Not disappear, just leave me alone for a while. Jaden asked me what happened although he knew it was bout him. Sorry is what he says every time. I’m sick of this! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! All he knows how to say is sorry. Did he really feel sorry before? Says sorry doesn’t mean you really feel sorry. Say sorry before knowing what’s happening is a joke. No barriers between us? They are developing every day. Way to destroy the barrier? There’s a way but he ignores it. Wants me to tell him what I want him to do? Speechless. I knew the answer, but nothing came out. I’d wish he just know it by himself. Why he doesn’t understand me at all? The person who understands me only has the rights to love me. Want to love me? Get to know me first. “I love you.” That’s what he told me. I “was” touched. Now, I doubt it. A person who loves me doesn’t just stand there and watch me breathing, doesn’t wait for me to make the first move, doesn’t request me to allow them to do what they want. Jaden’s a whiteboard, wait for someone to write on him. Yeah, I filled the whiteboard with words. Now, I erase it.

     A person who truly loves me exactly knows what to do, they know the meaning of love. Sometime, I doubt that he just wants me for the look, to show off to other people. I’m not a doll in a display room. When he wanted to get my love, he could do anything at first. Then, he got my love and started to be cold towards me. A liquid was transforming to become an ice. After that day, he improved. I was happy because it was a good sign. He cares bout me, still not in real life. Soon, it became the same old situation again. My heart sank, my face fell. Why he keeps treating me this way? Why can’t he just behave like others? A person who really cares bout his girl, not ditching her. I questioned my brother: “Should I wait for him or let go?” He told me to let go of my hands and move on, search for the right guy. Is this making any sense? I am confused and don’t know what to do with the choices on my hand. I do like him, but I’ll be tired if this situation goes on. I don’t wanna lose him, but does everything matters now? I keep getting my legs knock out from under me.

     Yeah. I’m always the first one to click the word “send”. I admit that I felt angry bout this last time. Somehow, it’s the fact that I need to click “send” first before he does. Now, I feel like not smsing him anymore unless got important things to inform. When it came to out of the topic, I read the message, I sighed and my finger was almost there to press “delete”. In the end, I didn’t delete neither reply. I placed my phone on the table and did my own things. Later, a second message from him arrived, I did the same thing again. I didn’t know whether to reply him or not. So, while I was doing my stuff, decision was still in my hand. Halfway on the track, I went back to my phone and replied him. Then, the phone was off. Every time, when I felt like not replying him, I will still reply him. Why can’t I just fight back the urge? I know the feeling of waiting for someone is terrible and I don’t want him to feel it. This is so not me.

“Where’d you go? I miss you so” I can feel the feeling twitching in my heart when I think bout him. I’m not sure whether it is fading away or not. When I’m typing this, my heart ache. I can’t help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I try to keep it off my face, I can hide it for one more day, right? There are no words for this now. The first gift he gave to me is still lying endlessly in a box. Look at it every day soon to be my habit. I will give him three choices:1. let go and I let go. 2. Go on with his behavior. I’ll say goodbye and walk away. 3. Do what he can to get me back. A difficult way to solve this for him.

PS: He's still in my heart.

Here's my answer (Part 1)

When you read this, I really hope that you will quit from this website. Somehow, I am not sure whether to write this. But, I did....

Dear Diary:
My name is Celine. I'm just a secondary student. I have an ordinary life, school life. Since when, my life is not ordinary anymore. Since he just pop into my life, everything is different. Bitter became sweet. Watched a flock of birds flew in the beautiful sky, a smile appeared, not a normal smile, it was a sweet smile. It represent how I felt those days. Started to love nature, started to believe that love is true. First, it was perfect and I thought the future will be perfect too. But, it turned the way round. It went up and down. I asked the God:"Why do you treat me this way? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I need to go through all this thing? I don't want to suffer!" I hoped I can get a reply from the God. But,of course it's impossible. I remember the day Jaden said that he love me, it was shock although I knew he would told me that day. That day, I lost my mood and didn't reply him much. It hurt you,right? The next day, we became a couple and the love life is begun. We had a sweet talk every week, but just in the computer and phone. Never in real life.

I couldn't believe that I fall for you. I still remember I said that I would never fall for you. But, the God made fun of us and made me fall for you. It was faith. However, the God don't want to continue this game anymore? The God want to stop everything? Why everything is so different from the track now? If just keep to the track, wouldn't it be good? If want to change the path, why did the God start it from the first. He shouldn't because it just made things worse. We both hurt each other a lot. I really feel sorry for hurting him. I know I’m being a jerk but it’s because of him. I don’t know how to face this cold situation. He is being hot and cold to me. Well, me too. When he’s being cold to me, I will give him the same reaction too. It’s fair, isn’t it? Since he wants it this way, I fulfill him. I’m not criticize him, it’s just that… everything is so wrong.

I keep wondering all day. The day I confessed my feeling to him, was it a mistake? Sometime, I felt that I regretted for doing that. Why I did that? I didn’t know. The urge inside my body forced me to do that, the nerves was pulling me to tell him in a sudden, unexpected way. I’m sure it boost his mood that day, non-stop smiling every second while I couldn’t stop thinking bout him, struggling on the bed to sleep, wondered what would happen later. The next day, it went as usual. Cold… Most people agreed that girls shouldn’t confess first, it is the boys’ job. Now is 2011, anything is possible, there is no fixed rule in this world. I confessed to him first because I already knew that he likes me. But he never tells me before that. I realize it shouldn’t be that way because his body is like a snowman, lips lock like a person in a library. I hate him for being like that. Never tell me anything, just leave me a question and walk away. Treat me like yesterday trash. I wanted to scream in his face:”WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” I wanted to leave a red mark on his face. Of course, I can’t do that, I can’t hurt him, not that bad. It’s not like he’s having another girl behind my back. If he does, I’ll kick him in the ass.

A word is so difficult to speak out? A greeting is wasting time? A glance is mush easier for him, a talk is never in his mind, it might take away his life. When we had a proper conversation? Never. Why? It’s because he is shy, afraid to speak, afraid of the consequences, just like a coward, like a snail in it’s shell, afraid to look at the outside world. Never make the first step is what he did. Maybe there is, but just backward, not forward. People say we must go forward, he didn’t bother to care bout that because he is afraid of the stupid consequences which might happen between us. I don’t even care. Why he cares bout that since I don’t bother to look at it, not even a glance! My friends and I can have a conversation every day no matter who are they. I thought we are closer. No, it is “were”. We should talk more just like them. Be natural to each other. But, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me just make everything turn upside down, the planet is turning backward. He talks to other like a piece of cake. When he talks to me, it’s like someone is threatening him. So awkward and unreal.

He plays with others, just like facing a tiger. He plays with me just like playing with a kid. Everything bout us is so unreal, I just want to tear it off and burn it! Not throw it into the sea. I hate unreal, things that freak me out, getting on my nerves, bring my mood down the gravity. I thought he will give what I want, what I wish for, that is happiness and satisfaction. Instead, he gave me all this. Every day, every night, I think bout us, bout him, bout what should I do. A final answer is always a guess. I beg the God for a final answer because I don’t want to wait anymore, a small kid sitting under a tree, waiting for the apple to fall. What’s in his mind, why can’t he just freaking tell me?! I really want to know how he feels. Why he keeps everything inside his heart and don’t want to tell me. I want to ask him:”who am I?”

Are we friends?

Gosh! I hate this part! Why it happened to me? Why it happened to us? When they asked me:" Will our friendship breaks apart after we transfer?" I said: "No,it can't be." But now, it's obviously different. When we stay under the different ceiling, we live on our own. I'm busy, you are busy too. Busy with different things. You don't care bout me anymore. You don't call me, wait for me, talk with me and walk with me. Just leave me alone standing on the hallway. I try to catch up with you, but you turn around and walk with someone else. I try to talk to you, but you turn your head to the other side. I try to share my secrets with you, but you move your eyes up and down, hung down your head and don't seem interested. Sometime, you skip our topic and I'm sick with it. Although I'm sick with it, I still stand my breath and force a smile. So,this is it. Our friendship change. The look is still there but the scent is gone. We sit together, but the string is not there anymore. I pull a face, you don't notice all the time. I guess you don't care anymore. Sometime, I try to walk away, leave from the awkwardness and leave you guys alone. It's just me alone. Just me. I wanted to cry, but tears just don't flow out this time. When I want to cry, they don't want to flow out, they just stuck inside my eyes. What's wrong with them? Urgh! Maybe they are teaching me to be strong. I can't lose you because you are a part of my life. My house is quiet now without your voice. My heart is empty without you. My face is dull without your laughter. I'm afraid of being alone, don't you know? You know I have worries in my life. You know what am I afraid of. But, why you did this to me? I can't stand it long. When I tell you bout something, you don't want to listen. When I wanna go somewhere, you don't want to follow. When I ask for your help, you reject. You always forget what I told you. You know what kind of situation I'm in. But, you never understand. You ask me out, you know I can't, you still force me to go out. I said can't for some reasons and you pulled a face. I don't want to explain to you anymore because you won't understand anyway. My life is busy, I got so many things to do in a minute. I know you don't like it but I really need to do my things. Once a second lost without a reason, my life will mess up. I just can't waste my time do nothing and you just can't change my lifestyle. Now, I realize that both of us live in a different world. However, I still want to stick with you, that's why we called"we". I admit that jealousy rose in my heart when you just stick with the others and ditch me. It is so wrong. It is not what I want. That is not what suppose to be. Everything goes wrong now, I can't accept everything in once. I stress out, cried aloud and almost faint. Still, I don't want to admit that I'm weak. We know each other for ages, but you still don't understand me. Why? Is it so difficult to understand bout me. Or you just don't care? It doesn't matter? It really hurt when you just walk away. What am I in your heart? Am I just an invisible friend? I hate this feeling. I never complain the way you treat me. I don't want any mistake nor misunderstanding between us. What might happen later could hurt me. I'm sick of this "hurt" word, sick of this feeling. But, I'm used to it....