"She" again!

  This is the second time I write bout this person. One of my best friend. This "little girl" is such a nice person although "she" doesn't look like one. Haha! Just kidding. "She" looks serious but "she" is never one. Funny, lame and speechless... Cute? Sometime. Silly,Yeah!!! Smart though but still lose to me. Hah! By the way, I never "chuan"! Okay? Duh.....  The sad thing is "she" doesn't has perfect bodyline. Whatever! Doesn't matter, as long there is good personality inside "her".

   I like this person because "she" never leaves me, might ignore me sometime. The next day, "she" will talk to me again. Others left but "her". I'm "touched". Hah! Lol! Yeah, seriously when I think bout it, I'm touched. I mean I just realise that I have such a good friend by my side. My eyes were blurred last time. Just kept crying. Till now I realise "her". I express everything, totally everything except some minor one. You know, you can't just know everything. There must be some secrets, mystery only syok! Living in the midst is fun!  I don't mention bout my family to anyone else but "her" and some people who actually understand the situation between my family and I. Most of my friends don't understand,so yeah. I don't tell them. When I can't stand it, I will express my frustration to her. Not towards. Gosh! This family thing really sickens me! Well, other people might feel bored. Maybe she does but she never show it. When I have problems, I will find "her". When I on msn, "she" will be there, so it's very easy for us to communicate. I will find "her" no matter I'm sad,happy,frustrating,silly or whatever. People will find their friends whenever they feel like finding them.

   "Her" presence really helps me a lot. Way too much. Over. It's hard to find someone like "her". I mean,in my world, there's barely anyone like "her". Not to say others are bad. "She" is a good person,that's all. I remember that moment I thought about negative stuff, "she" was there convincing me that everything is fine. It's okay. It was not okay,actually. It was HELL. Fortunately, because of "her", I'm in heaven now. Meaningful and wonderful life. Because of "her", I love my life now and managed to forget bout the past. Of course not forget practically, but not to think bout it. It works. Just makes me think bout the happy ones. "Others" were frustrating and just nod their heads when I told bout my past to them but her. She will never feel frustrating. She will talk with me and discuss bout it. Trying to think of a solution. It makes me think of someone. That person frustrated and left. Been ignored. Now is different...

    I know I annoyed "her" before. I made "her" angry. I got on "her" nerves and I'm sorry. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for being understanding. "She" is the one who understands me the most which I'm glad bout there's someone who really understands me. I'm very sorry. Really sorry. Thank you for forgiving me. Without "her",I won't be sitting here and typing. I'll be somewhere doing useless thing. I know "she" cares bout me and I care bout "her" too. Although "she" didn't express how "she" feels but I know. I think I'll be a useless person without her. A person keep moaning all the time. But, I'm not now. My life changes. I'm lucky to have "her". I'll never forget "her" Never in my life. Especially "her" laughter.Really special! Haha! I got one request for "her": PLEASE EAT MORE AND GET MORE FATS!"

PS: Thank you for staying by my side all the time. I'm really glad that I've known you.

Self

   In her dynamic view blog,she expresses everything. Emotion, life and love but her name. Every sort of life is portrayed in her blog.

   She is no different to other Asians, just an ordinary girl from town who prefers to sit in front of the computer and runs her fingers through the keyboard the whole day. She has a pair of black round eyes and natural curled-wave hair that sickens her every day. She cannot keep her hands off her hair. Soothening her hair all day long. She has a body line which is not attractive. What can she do to improve? Well, just accept the face. Plastic surgery is never a solution because she dislikes those "dolls" which are the production of plastic surgery. Being herself is the best. Faking is not good.

    Study is relevant for her and exam is her score. The main score in her life is a gorgeous smile on her face,not exam. Math is a piece of cake for her but biology kills her taste buds. Drawing never comes to her mind. Dessert is always her first desire. Baby pandas and puppies soften her heart, just by looking at their fluffy bodies and innocent eyes. Jojo is the name of her dog. It looks at her with begging eyes whenever she holds food.

    The witch in her house sabotages her mood,just by watching her mouth non-stop mumbling. Complaining and moaning are things that the witch does every day. It sickens her and she has the urge to flee from the house. Fortunately, there is always an exit for the witch's words to escape. What can she do to escape the nag? The fact that she is her mum never changes. A drop in a test paper cause trouble for her. That is the moment she has to face the music. Therefore, she will burn the midnight oil when an examination is around the corner.

     Life is a cell cycle. The sadness gone, the happiness come. The solutions arrive, the difficulties leave. She believes that there is always a path at the dead end. Never gives up before you make a move, as though solving an undiscovered math question. The more she hope, the more hurt she is. Now,she learns a lesson. A slight hope is enough. Never estimate the future, just follow the route. She is not a coward. This is just another way to protect herself from the pain and disappointment. To be frank, she is afraid to hope more. However, she will never run away from the decisions that she made. A new life will begin after the pain has gone.

    Human changes as they grow up, so did she. Last time, she was a timid mouse. Now, she is totally different. Her appearance changed,so did her personality. Courage grew inside her. She becomes mature, wiser and learns to accept the ugly truth. Life will become tougher as she grows up. No matter how much tears she shed, she will wake up the next morning with a smile on her face. Forgetting the pain and just keeping the good memories in her heart. In order to live, she must be cheerful towards adversity. She realises that a positive mind is always a solution to a problem.

Too late to forgive

Mary saw a guy kissing a girl in the alley. Her boyfriend, Chuck. The girl is his ex-girlfriend, Katy. She was horrified, her blood boiled and stunned. After kissing, Chuck saw Mary standing there with her eyes wide in horror. He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to explain. Before he did, she gave him a hard slap on the face and hot tears streaming down. She looked at Katy, having an urge to pull her hair and slap her. She didn't. "You F*kin Bitch!" she screamed at Katy. When she tried to leave, Chuck grabbed her hand."It's over.Chuck". She shoved away his hand.

After one month, she received a call in her hotel. It was Chuck's mum. After listening to the phone, she dropped the phone and stunned in horror. Her mind was blank. She packed her bag and rushed to the hospital. There, she saw him lying down on the patient's bed. His hand was cold, no breathe. He was dead because of an accident. It's too late. Way too late.. She missed the chance to see him.

She turned off her phone for a month after the break-up. Now, her phone is a stranger. She clicked on the phone and received a voicemail. It was Chuck.

"Hey. It's me. I know I'm wrong. Way wrong. I'm sorry,Mary. I should avoid her. I should push her away. I should stop seeing her. I didn't know that Katy still has a feeling for me. I was stupid. I swear I don't like her. Not an option. Although she is my ex,so what? You're my present and future. I didn't kiss her. She kissed me. In the wrong time and place, you were there, witnessed the moment. Unfortunately, you were not there before she kissed me. I told her to stay away from me. I told her that I don't like her anymore. It's true, Mary. I don't want a break up. I want to be with you. I want you. Just you. Please don't ignore me. Please, I'm begging you. Without you, my life is dull and meaningless. I feel empty. You're not here, I feel lifeless. I need your presence. You can scold me,hit me,slap me or anything. But please, I beg you not to ignore me. Don't leave me. I'll do anything as you said. I'll obey you. I'll never resist. I'll listen to you no matter what you say. I'll always stay beside you no matter where you go. You can count on me. I really don't know what to do without you. You're part of my life. Now, you're gone. There's a big hole in my life. Missed something important which is you. I can't lose you. Never. I miss your voice, your face, your smile and everything bout you. Every day, I look at those thing you gave to me, photos and messages from you. Your things are here,but your heart is not here, so do mine. What's the point living without you? There's no meaning. No aim. No love. If you leave me because of Katy. Well, I hate her! She shouldn't be the part in our life. Just you and I. Forever. There will be no other person. It's our world.I miss holding your hand, patting your head, watching your smile, hugging you,kissing you and lots. Everything is so different now.Why? I deserve another slap. I deserve it. But, I don't deserve your absence. Not a break up. Please trust me. I never lie to you, you know it. I don't want to do everything on my own, I don't want to be alone. I want you to be with me, do everything together. Sitting on the cushion alone sickens me. Eating alone in the restaurant makes my heart empty. Watching the love birds holding hand together, I'll look at my hand and miss the warmness of your hand. Your tiny fingers surrounding my huge fingers. I'll grab your hand tightly, never let you go. Everything I do makes me think of you. I'm afraid to approach the places where love birds are around. I'm afraid of the emptiness inside my heart. I don't want to feel your absence. I'll make sure that you'll never leave me. I keep convincing myself that you'll come back to me one day. So,please come back. I'll show you everything. Call me back. Bye. I love you. The one and only one."

The phone went dead. Tears kept rolling down her cheeks. She regretted for not forgiving him. Now,she lost him. He'll never come back. "I love you too, Chuck" she whispered on the phone. She clicked save because it was the only one he left. The only voice.

Afraid of Falling For You

Afraid of falling for you. You're a good guy. We know that. You have a big heart. Nice warming heart. You care bout me all the time, take care of me and be with me. To me, you're just a friend. A close friend of mine.

I like you,it's true. As a friend. I know you like me too. It's very obvious but it doesn't matter to me. I still want you to continue be my friend. I don't want to leave you, I can't lost you. You're such a good friend of mine. I need a friend by my side all the time. You makes me smile. You'll make sure there's always a smile on my face. When I'm sad, you'll do your best to make me laugh. When I cry, you begin to feel nervous. You'll obey anything that I said. You'll do anything for me. Never resist. Never say no. Your smile warms my heart. I'll have the urge to smile whenever I look at your silly face. You always make the silly face to make me laugh. I never met a person like you before.The first person who makes me laugh all the time. Sometime, you crossed the line. Although I was mad at you, I'll never avoid you. It was one of the stupid lame jokes that you made. So, I won't keep it to my heart and just let it go. You'll beg me for forgiveness whenever I'm mad at you. I never blame you. I'll straight away forgive you just by looking at your silly action. I try to hide my smile when you're begging me for forgiveness and pretending that I'm still mad at you. I know I got on your nerves before. However, you forgive me all the time.You said it's okay. You don't mind but I mind. I'm afraid of getting on your nerves,actually. The main reason is I don't want you to leave me. I'll ask for forgiveness no matter what. Sorry for crossing over the line. Sorry for not understanding. Sorry for doing mistakes all the time. I'm sorry...

I can't imagine the day you'll leave me. I don't want to think bout that. I never try thinking and worrying bout that. It's unbelievable if you leave me one day. Ridiculous! Of course you'll leave me since you're not my boyfriend. However, I'll make sure that you'll never leave me as a friend. I'll remember you forever. Remember that you're a rescuer of my life, the things you done to me. Happy memories. Never forget what have you done. You play with me all the time. Joke around. Pat on my back and scolding me silly every day. You're the silly one. You're so good to me but I can't accept your love. I can't do it. It's "illegal". In my heart, you're always a loving, unforgettable friend. A gift from the God. I'm sorry. I should deserve a punishment for letting you down. I know I shouldn't hurt my friend but now I've done it. I don't know what to do except saying sorry. Accept your love is never an option as my heart can't fit you anymore.

Sometime, you're too good to resist. It's hard to keep a distance from you. I'll be lonely without you. My life will be meaningless. Lifeless and dull like a patient's room. Once being with you, my mood lightens up. You're like an angel. Waiting there for me to come over. I trust you. I know I can count on you but still I can't fall for you. I'm really afraid that I'll fall for you. To be frank, I don't want it to become a reality. You'll meet someone better in your life. Perhaps soon.
 PS: This is not talking bout me. I just like to use "I" from now on.

Innocent

Standing there like an innocent girl. Confused and innocent.
Standing there like a piece of wood, can't figure out what's going on. What the hell is going on????
Hows and whys appearing in the mind.
Standing there like a troublesome person, people are pointing their fingers towards her. 
Like a criminal who's being questioned by the police.
As if a prisoner who is helpless.
There's no way to resist. No way to explain.
Trying to explain that it was not her fault. What's the point? They won't even listen to a single word from her.
What to do?
Just standing there and facing the music. Sometime, pretend that she can't listen to a word.
Their eyes locked on hers, mouths mumbling and fingers pointing towards her.
She can't speak up. She ducks her head down and blinks back her tears.
Hiding away the tears from them, she don't want to let them know that she is weak. She can't lose.
She wants to scream, scream at them. Explain everything to them.
When she tries to open her mouth, there's no voice coming out from her throat. Her mouth eventually close in the end. She just nod her head from the beginning till the end. Accept their complaints and dissatisfaction although it was not her fault.
She feels like slapping her face, convincing her that this is just a nightmare. This is not real. Unfortunately, all she can hear is their non-stop mumbling and what she can see is their face with furrow eyebrows. Disappointment and dissatisfaction are potrayed on their face.
Clenching her fist, swallowing the lump in her throat, biting her lips and blinking back her tears.Shrivel.
She is afraid. Afraid of losing their trust. However, they don't trust her anymore. They don't count on her anymore. She is crossed out from the list. She's not one of the cycle anymore.
Why are they doing this to her? This is not her fault. She didn't create the problems. It was someone else. Not her. They are wrong. Misunderstanding in the air.
She hopes there's a proof to prove that they misunderstood her. She hopes there's someone who believes her and understands her.
Unfortunately, there's no one stands on her side. She is alone. She lost them. They leave her.
Pain in the heart, tears rolling down her cheeks and a deep scar forming. Non-stop weeping. Questioning herself. What has she done? Why is this happening to her? Why her?

She will never forget those days she cried. Dropped to her knees and cried badly. She couldn't stop the tears from coming out from the corner of the eyes. Tears kept rolling down whenever she was eating,sleeping, studying,watching television and blogging. Stupid tears. What for crying? It was not her fault. She knew it wasn't hers. She believes herself. That is satisfied.

I'm belong to you

It's up to the God's decision. It's faith. Elena thinks it's a faith. Elena is belong to Stefan. Forever as he wishes. It gives her the spirit when she's belong to him. Not anyone else but him. Just him forever. She feels safe when throwing her arms into him. So peace and safe. She doesn't shiver anymore. The pain has gone. Everything has gone, just left behind the happiness with him around. It feels so right. Without him, everything is so wrong. So, she needs him to be around. Every time and everywhere.

Sitting with Stefan is part of her habit. Sitting with him as though sitting with an idol, watching deep into his eyes, chin laying on both hands and returns his smile. She likes to do it every day. Every day in the morning, sitting next to him, eating breakfast, enjoying the taste and smell of the coffee while enjoying his presence. Thrust a fork on a piece of pancake and stuff it into his mouth, watching him eating the pancake piece by piece. Stefan and Elena love music, they have collections of music... Every day, they will play their favourite CD and listen to those songs together. Sitting together on the sofa, Elena places her head on Stefan's chest, Stefan placing his chin on Elena's head, hand in hand, enjoying the beautiful rhythm of the song. Nice and flow freely... They will do the same thing too while watching tv. Holding each other and do everything at the same time. They can't leave each other. Elena can't leave him.

A perfect couple. A perfect love means everything. Love is what Elena needs. Now,she got it and she want to hold it forever. Never lose it. Hold it tightly till the end. Never let go till out of breath. He's a gift from the God. She will appreciate him no matter what. When he holds her hand, she knows he's is the Mr.Right. She is meant to be his. She knows she can count on him and trust him. When he hugs her, there's no need to pretend to be strong. She can be a weak girl in front of him. Let him to protect her. Let him to hold the bullets for her. She can show her weakness to him. She can cry in front of him. She can act naturally. There's no need to hide. He is the right one, and she confirms it deep in her heart. He's a part in her life. A relevant part that will never disappear. "I'm belong to you", she whispered in his ear.

 

Real or fake

You don't know what's in your life is fake or real. Not everything. It is in the midst, undiscovered or discovered. Mostly discovered. Sometime, it's best to undiscovered forever.... In my dreams, everything looks real, I feel real  as though I can sense it. When I wake up in my pyjamas, everything is fake. It is just a dream! How I wish my good,sweet dreams can be real, not the nightmares. Is everything real in my life? My life? My parents? My friends? My pet? All real? Nah, in my dream...My thoughts towards life is not real in life. It is just a thought, my expectation. When I found out, it doesn't sound the one I thought. The truth is real, and my thoughts are fake. How I wish my thoughts are real. Is everyone being real? Are they fake too? I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't want to know either. I'm afraid the ones who are close to me are being fake. I'm afraid that they are faking all the time without my knowledge. I'm afraid what I've got is fake. Sometime, I'm tired facing those "fakeness". I don't feel real, I don't feel mortal as though I'm living in a dream. I can't feel myself. I can't breathe. The "fakeness" makes me fake too. I really hate myself for being fake too. Fake until I don't know who I am. When I start to being fake, I feel like slapping myself and wake myself up. Just wake up. Just be yourself and everything is alright. Being yourself is the best because that shows your true personality. What's the purpose for being fake? Just show yourself to the world. Show how good you are. Don't care what's going on. Just update bout what's going on to yourself. That's enough. Ignore the fake ones. Ignore things that are trying to stop your way. I don't care what is real nor fake now. Just listen or ignore. It's my choice. Just believe or not. It's my choice either. What's going on later, I can't decide. I can just tolerate with the situation. Just go on and continue my role in life....Real or fake doesn't matter.

Ps : Ignore the fake ones, walk on and makes your day brighter.

Ugly Truth

Truth is ugly. Some of them are gorgeous too. Yeah, just the nice ones. Who likes ugly truth? There's no one,right? I don't either. Totally don't. Sometime, I prefer living in the midst, wishing that I'll never know the truth. Wishing them not to tell me. Can I just listen to beautiful truths? So that I'll be happy every time. So that I won't depress. So that my heart won't die. Unfortunately, My heart died once. You prefer either lie or truth? Well, I prefer the truth. I hate lies. I hate liars. Those liars... I won't forgive those who lied to me, who hurt me deeply. Can't they just tell me truth? Wait. I prefer not knowing anything. Just don't tell me anything. I don't want to listen. Close both of my ears with both palms. Just leave me alone, ugly truth. Please go away as far as you can. Just fly... I give you freedom, you can go now. Please don't come back again. I had enough. No more. Ugly truth and lie are the same. They are from the same family, ugly and hurt people. They carry a knife with them and stab people anytime. Yeah, they stabbed my heart many time till it out of breath. That's the reason I prefer staying in a dark alone. I'm not afraid of being alone. In fact, I feel safe and protective. At least I can breathe. They have a black heart inside them, cold and evil. What happen when you listen to ugly truth? Cry? Unbelievable? Ugly truths are totally unbelievable. But there is a truth beside ugly. So,yeah, it's true. We gotta believe and accept it no matter what. We can't change the fact. So,just accept for one day. The next day, just forget bout it, throw it into the bin. Cross it in your mind. Slashhhhhhhhh it! No matter what, we still need to go on. So,don't get affected by those ugly truths for long. It's pointless.

Bye, ugly truths...

Another Bastard!

I really wanna hate you, bastard. Can't believe you're the fake one too,wearing a mask the whole time! I can't believe it! I fell into your trap like a girl in the midst. Why am I so dumb?! Why I kept believing u in the first place although someone told me that you are the bad one? Questions! Questions! Questions! WHY? WHY? WHY? Urgh!!! I feel like slapping you! But,I feel like slapping myself more. My eyes were blurred, mind has gone and my brain was totally destroyed because you hypnotized me. How dare you?! Why you manipulate me? How could you act so innocent as if you did nothing? The more you act innocent, the more creepier you are. Yes, you are creepy, very creepy indeed. You're a witch! Wait! You're worse than a witch! At least witch shows her evil look, but you don't. You keep it inside your heart and reveal it at the right time. You hide it away from me and forced a smile. Wait, was there a smile? I can't remember because your smile was too fake! Too fake till I can't remember how you smile. I don't wanna remember it. It's not a beautiful smile. It's like a piece of shit! Don't you feel guilty? Your heart is black! You have no sign of regret. No sign of compassion and no sign of forgiveness. You think you're a good person? No, you aren't. Backstab me?! Is that what you can do? Oh god! You are a failure! Trying to destroy me? Nah, you're a loser. You can do it when you're in hell. Before you're in hell, just leave me alone and stay away from my territory. I won't step in yours too because yours stinks. You are just like girl, like a bitch! Gosh! You got a boy's body, but you got a girl's heart. A girl's black heart! Why don't you just become a gossip girl? It suits you more. You're not a handsome guy. Not cute at all. When they say you're handsome, I feel like vomiting.  I don't want to look at your face. When you passed by, I turned my head, look up the sky or just walked the other path. I knew you won't going to say hi to me. In your mind, I'm a bitch. In my mind, you're a jerk,bastard and a bitch! Who cares you're a guy? You are not one. Not at all! You can lie to them,but not me. You can hide it from them, but you can't hide it from me. To be honest, I don't wanna know bout it, how you treat me, how you backstab me,how you gossip bout me, I don't want to know a single thing. Unfortunately, you're too obvious and I knew it all. When you start to open your mouth and say, it will spread to the whole world.  You think I'm evil for saying this, but in real life, you are the one.

I don't hate you, you're not my enemy. I just want you to leave me alone. Stay away from me. I want peace. Now, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Everything bout you doesn't matter. You want to say what, just go on. Whatever you do and say, it's none of my business. I can't stop you.

 You are nothing to me. Nothing at all. I won't bother you anymore. No cares from me anymore. Your love for me is past tense. I erased it. You're out from my list...