Clueless

I don't know how I feel right now? I don't know what am I thinking now. Seriously, I've no idea. I wish I know." thought Veronika. Clueless. Helpless. Useless..... This is bullshit. Why Veronika doesn't even know what's in her mind? Only she knows the best. Maybe in a confusion? Maybe... Hope it's maybe...

Confused? Not sure? Unacceptable? Blur? No idea? Veronika is not sure about her answer. Sigh.... Unpredictable. It just blink in a second. Things got different. Way different than old times. She is sure bout her feelings are different now. What kind of feeling? She doesn't know. She needs time. Time decides everything. Time is the king. Time changes everything too. It changed. We changed. Tears dripping. What's wrong with her? It's her fault. Everything used to be fine. But....now...... All screw up because of her. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. Not exactly the same as it used to be. He's there. Still there for her. She knows he still feel the same for her. Everything is so good. But, why? Why she has to screw up? Selfish... But,she doesn't want to be selfish. So, she ignores... Act as if everything is normal though it's leaking.

You can't cover up a hole when it is meant to be there. Even though you try so hard to fill up the empty space, it will still create a hole there. Love each other is not enough. Still need other things to fill up. Veronika is trying her best to be nice to him. Always smile in front of him. Fake smile or real smile. She doesn't know. She failed. In a sudden, she will be frustrated. Let out her frustration. Madness. Anger. She feels numb. Sad. Guilty. She can't stand to be unnatural. If it's unnatural, it's like lying to him. Sigh... Mistakes.. She had done many mistakes in her life. How can she hide her real feelings from him? He will know it sooner or later. She can't remember when is the last time he hold her hands. When? Sitting under a tree, looking at the blue sky with soft cottons floating on it. She points her finger towards the sky. Wondering what's the first thing she's thinking. Finding the real answer in her mind. Just the real answer. That's all she wants.

Promises.

Promises. I hear your words flying in the mid-air. I hear your words vibrating in my eardrums. I lock your words in my mind, in my heart. Promises. These are promises.

Promises with your sign are gold. Precious and beloved. The one I don't want you to break. The one I don't want you to forget. The one I want you to remember it in your heart. Always.

Never break in a second. You promised me. Never fool me. You swear to God. Never lie to me. You beg on your knees.

Seriously, promises sound good but feel heavy. Promises are not light at all, not a joke! You said it, you do it. It's just not a word. It's something that bound to hold in your palms, to fulfill it. Hold it carefully, don't ever let it slip off from your hand.

There, you said it. I listened and kept it in my heart. I never forget. I'll remind you that you've said it before. You've promised. And I'm giving you a warning not to break your promises. A BIG warning.

Lovely and sweet promises, will you always be there with me until the end? I hope you won't disappear into the mid-air. The ones that made from the love ones. Definitely the ones I wish for.

Promises, please don't go away,I'm begging you. I don't want to lose faith in you. Once you break my heart, I'll never turn my head and look at you again. Once it breaks, it forever gone.

Promise is just like a glass. Once broken,consider "sold'. Clean,shines but dangerous. Hold me, look into my eyes and I have you word. I put all my faith in you, staring deep into eyes and give a slight smile. There, I see trust in you. I know I can trust you. I know you won't break your promises because you'll never ever try. You hold it and I'm waiting for it. Don't try to let go,my dear... 

December Babies Bday Outing

It had been a long time we didn't hang out together. I miss this outing and I want to hang out with them again.Well, we planned this outing a couple of weeks ago to celebrate Pei,Bam,N and CL birthday. Well, they were not born in the same day, but same month. December babies! Haha.

Pei Ling and I reached there about 10.15am. We made our way to tgv cinema to buy Alvin and The Chipmunk 3 tickets. Unfortunately it cost rm14 per person because it is a blockbuster movie. Haiz.....So,in the end, we decided not to watch movie. Then, Pei and I went to buy present for CL and N. We went through a few places. First,we bought a pink monkey for N. Then, we bought a one piece watch for CL. Kesian Pei for holding the cake for so long. The cake was heavy and she couldn't stand it anymore. So, we quickly carried it to Wong Kok Restaurant to let the waiter keep the cake. After that, we walked around and waited the others to arrive. When the others had arrived, we headed to Wong Kok and ordered our lunch. We took a long time to order before Tzer,Q,Min,CL and Mei arrived. Mei and I ordered French Toast. We are always BFF.  The whole group really became siao in just a second. N was really excited bout pressing the button. When N wanted to press the service button, the waiter just stood behind us. Haha! We just burst into laughter and the waiter smiled too. We just kept laughing and making noise all the way. Gosh. We should be in the zoo. When the waitress was holding Bam's dish, she asked whose dish was that, Bam forgot his dish name. Lol. Then, he remembered and the waitress handed him the dish. When she left, she was shaking her head. Lol.. Sick of us. Haha. Well,we are kids. I mean, react like kids. Just having fun. Pei even spilled the milk tea. Geng! Luckily, the waitress didn't mind. If not, we'll be in the trouble as the milk tea was dripping on the cushion. Then, more customer came in and they were staring at us, throwing some weird faces at us as we were making too much noise like some crazy fellas. Then, we sang bday song to the four December babies. N and Pei blew the candles but CL and Bam didn't got to blow it. Naughty N and Pei. We kept snapping photos. We were so full until we couldn't manage to eat the cake. Gosh.

After the lunch, we headed to Redbox. Bam,J,Mei and I were not planning to sing. We went in earlier on, but we got kicked out by the waiter over there. Ok,fine. So I've decided to leave because I don't sing and I've to buy something too. So, four of us left Redbox and walked around pyramid. I went to buy stuff,Mei helped me while J and Bam just followed us. Finally, I got something for her.haha! J and Bam even followed us into boutiques like Kitschen, Forever 21 and others which sell girls stuff. Haha. When Bam requested to sit down, Mei decided to go Chatime, but there were too many people making a beeline to buy the drinks. So, we switched place to Honeymoon. We ordered and three desserts. There was a baby girl stood on the sofa. Haha. She left when we sat down. Then, she walked towards us and stood beside me when we were looking our menus. She was so cute with two little ponytails. She even stepped and sat on my handbag. That's "great". I didn't mind, she was just a kid. Haha. So cute la! I got the urge to pinch her chubby little face. She gave a few "High 5" to J. Two kids were giving "High 5" to each other. LOL. Her family asked her to leave us alone, but she didn't bother them and kept looking at us. I love it when she was sticking to me and sat beside me. Haha. That moment, she was sitting on my handbag. Then, when she almost left. She said some word and laughed. She kept repeating it and we burst into laughter including her family. I think J taught her the words and laughed. So,she followed. Haha,kids! So adorable! Then, she left. I wanna took photo with her but missed the chance. I was afraid her family will mind too. I miss her!!! Haha..

A Thousand Years

"A Thousand Years" is one of my fav songs. I feel touched whenever I listen to this song. Well, I fall for it because of the melody at first. When I watched "Breaking Dawn" and the song flew, it just clicked. It added sweetness into the atmosphere. More touching. I love the scene and the song, of course. Well, these are the lyrics.

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

It Will Change

It will change, I believe. I didn't believe at the first time. I was a fool yet immature. No,not a fool. It's just unpredictable. It's faith. It's the God's decision. It'll never be mine.

Life goes with time. It changes all the time. I used to think that everything will remain on the same spot. What an idiot? I thought everything will be perfect, everything will move on the same path as it used to be. But I was wrong. I was too fool to expect that everything will goes as I wished. Nevermine, I learned a lesson. Wait, not just one. Now, I don't expect everything to go as I want. I don't hope more. I just hope a little. The more you hope, the more disappointed you are in the end. It just won't remain on it's own state, it won't be good all the time. There'll be another path. Another change. Another thing you've to face. Another disappointment. Another regret. Another pain...

Do you think it will just be the same all the time? Do you think it won't change later? Are you sure bout it? I'm not sure about some words I said. I'm not sure about the decisions that I made. I'm not sure the "stuff" in my life. It freak me out. Just a change, it changes my life. It changes everything. I'm afraid of changes but I've to deal with it. Everything I hear,see, touch or feel it, I believe they will change one day. I don't dare to promise that they won't change. Even though I can't predict or feel it, but I can make sure that they won't just remain on that specific spot. I can damn make sure they will move a very tiny distance though it will not be a big one. A tiny change can make a big difference. Changes can be good or bad. Fortunately, I made a good change in my life. A big change and most of them notice it.

Those plants out there had shifted a little under the hot blazing sun. I'm sure you'll change either. Maybe not now. But soon.

One more cry

There. Standing on the marble floor. Like a fool. Clenching her fist tightly with her burrowed eye browns. Biting her lower lip when she heard those words. Questions and anger flow through her spine. Blood boiling like mad and swallowed the lump in her throat at last.

    Walking bristly down the street, the hot sun blazing on her skin, it makes her feels worse than ever. Stepping out of the street, she doesn't care if there is any cars coming towards her. She doesn't even bother to turn her head, eyes focus on one point, mind blur and just walks forward till the end. Tears are starting at her eyes, she keeps blinking back her tears, never give a chance to let them fall. Folding her hands in front of her chest, two fingers pinching her skin and keep walking. Whatever they are talking bout, it doesn't matter to her. She just want to get out of that damn area. When he is talking to her, she told him to shut up. She doesn't want to hear his voice. Though he is trying to be nice that time, but she can't stand it. His jokes are not funny at all, they are annoying! Just pull a face, that's what she does.

     She feels relax after taking a nap. That clears out all the frustration. When she woke up from her bed, she realises her mum and sis are going out for shopping. Her mum doesn't even bother to ask her. Her sis keeps asking her to go but she doesn't want unless her mum asks her. In the end, she just watches them go. Then, she rides on her treadmill, she just feels like doing it. She turns on the radio, fix the volume to a higher pitch, locked the room and starts jogging on it. Her heart ache, she feels lonely, the hot sun is streaming through the window. She usually won't grip the handle when she is jogging. But this time,she does. She grips the handle so tightly and twists it when she bursts into tears to keep her from falling. Afraid of collapsing, afraid of a halt, she grips tighter and breathing hard. Tears keep rolling down her cheeks, her cheeks turn red, eyes redden, she wipes it away from her cheeks. When she stops crying, another tear is trying to fall again. Here goes the others. Thanks to the music that covers her weeping voice from her father. She prefers to cry alone. Just her.
However, she tells herself not to cry anymore.

     After that,she goes downstairs. Sitting in front of the glass door, calling her beloved dog. Her dog comes out from the corner and walks towards her. It is wagging its tail and looking at her with its round black eyes. She caress its head and smile at her dog. She feels good. That's what she wants. At least she knows there is someone who loves her and there is someone that she has to care for. Her dog licks her palm and lifts its paw. Usually,she doesn't like her dog to lick her but she let it this time. She needs love and care. All of that doesn't matter to her that moment.