Clueless

I don't know how I feel right now? I don't know what am I thinking now. Seriously, I've no idea. I wish I know." thought Veronika. Clueless. Helpless. Useless..... This is bullshit. Why Veronika doesn't even know what's in her mind? Only she knows the best. Maybe in a confusion? Maybe... Hope it's maybe...

Confused? Not sure? Unacceptable? Blur? No idea? Veronika is not sure about her answer. Sigh.... Unpredictable. It just blink in a second. Things got different. Way different than old times. She is sure bout her feelings are different now. What kind of feeling? She doesn't know. She needs time. Time decides everything. Time is the king. Time changes everything too. It changed. We changed. Tears dripping. What's wrong with her? It's her fault. Everything used to be fine. But....now...... All screw up because of her. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. Not exactly the same as it used to be. He's there. Still there for her. She knows he still feel the same for her. Everything is so good. But, why? Why she has to screw up? Selfish... But,she doesn't want to be selfish. So, she ignores... Act as if everything is normal though it's leaking.

You can't cover up a hole when it is meant to be there. Even though you try so hard to fill up the empty space, it will still create a hole there. Love each other is not enough. Still need other things to fill up. Veronika is trying her best to be nice to him. Always smile in front of him. Fake smile or real smile. She doesn't know. She failed. In a sudden, she will be frustrated. Let out her frustration. Madness. Anger. She feels numb. Sad. Guilty. She can't stand to be unnatural. If it's unnatural, it's like lying to him. Sigh... Mistakes.. She had done many mistakes in her life. How can she hide her real feelings from him? He will know it sooner or later. She can't remember when is the last time he hold her hands. When? Sitting under a tree, looking at the blue sky with soft cottons floating on it. She points her finger towards the sky. Wondering what's the first thing she's thinking. Finding the real answer in her mind. Just the real answer. That's all she wants.