Not Me

You think I like it? Never. When I'm watching you show that suffering look in front of me, the pain is growing in my heart. Something inside my heart struggling to get out, punching its fist against the wall of the heart. The heart cracking and soon shattering into pieces. I know you feel hurt but in fact, I feel worse than you. The reason you feel it hurtful is because of me. Me, the one you love? I fail to make you happy, isn't it? I feel like a useless jerk now. I feel as if there's nothing I can do to make you happy. I've gave a bad impression to you. Maybe you feel like slapping me,right now. Sitting on the chair, eye focus on you, observing your every action. You think I don't know everything? I'm quite smart, of course I know. At first, I wanted to make a move to talk to you. But, I'm a girl, I admit that I'm a little shy. Now, I am fed up. I feel sick to look at you like this. I don't blame you. It's not your fault at all. Right, it's all my fault, and your little friend over there agrees that. Both of you makes me sick. Tired. I feel like shouting. "Stop it!" If both of you cross the line, I might say F* to you guys. But, I don't want to. You guys are my best friend, I never want to say the foul word. I blame myself for being selfish and foolish. Pretend nothing happen. Pretending that everything gonna be alright. In the end, I'm wrong. It's not alright. Maybe it's becoming worse. You can't accept it,I know. I don't know how to stop it. I've tried. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to involve "him" either. I've explained many times, kept repeating and again. I don't think I wanna explain it again. It's just enough. You said you know, but do you? You keep showing that freaking mad or sad look in front of me. When I try to talk to you, you're like facing a disgusting person. It's like you have no intend to talk to me. Is that it? If it is, I shall disappear. Recently, I got this thought. Maybe it's wrong to sit under the same roof. Being together makes you feel miserable. If I'm not sitting under the same roof with you, things won't go that bad and I will never become the middle person. I ruined your friendship. SucK! Everything because of me. ME!!! THIS PERSON! WHY ME?! You think I want it? NO!!! I just want everything to be ok! To be normal. But,why do you have to think the negative way? I make you feel miserable. I can't give you the happiness you want. I'm not the right one. I'm not the one you want. As your little friend said, I'm evil. Just hate me.You deserve a better person, not a jerk like me.
PS: The "I" is not me.