When you read this, I really hope that you will quit from this website. Somehow, I am not sure whether to write this. But, I did....
Dear Diary:
My name is Celine. I'm just a secondary student. I have an ordinary life, school life. Since when, my life is not ordinary anymore. Since he just pop into my life, everything is different. Bitter became sweet. Watched a flock of birds flew in the beautiful sky, a smile appeared, not a normal smile, it was a sweet smile. It represent how I felt those days. Started to love nature, started to believe that love is true. First, it was perfect and I thought the future will be perfect too. But, it turned the way round. It went up and down. I asked the God:"Why do you treat me this way? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I need to go through all this thing? I don't want to suffer!" I hoped I can get a reply from the God. But,of course it's impossible. I remember the day Jaden said that he love me, it was shock although I knew he would told me that day. That day, I lost my mood and didn't reply him much. It hurt you,right? The next day, we became a couple and the love life is begun. We had a sweet talk every week, but just in the computer and phone. Never in real life.
I couldn't believe that I fall for you. I still remember I said that I would never fall for you. But, the God made fun of us and made me fall for you. It was faith. However, the God don't want to continue this game anymore? The God want to stop everything? Why everything is so different from the track now? If just keep to the track, wouldn't it be good? If want to change the path, why did the God start it from the first. He shouldn't because it just made things worse. We both hurt each other a lot. I really feel sorry for hurting him. I know I’m being a jerk but it’s because of him. I don’t know how to face this cold situation. He is being hot and cold to me. Well, me too. When he’s being cold to me, I will give him the same reaction too. It’s fair, isn’t it? Since he wants it this way, I fulfill him. I’m not criticize him, it’s just that… everything is so wrong.
I keep wondering all day. The day I confessed my feeling to him, was it a mistake? Sometime, I felt that I regretted for doing that. Why I did that? I didn’t know. The urge inside my body forced me to do that, the nerves was pulling me to tell him in a sudden, unexpected way. I’m sure it boost his mood that day, non-stop smiling every second while I couldn’t stop thinking bout him, struggling on the bed to sleep, wondered what would happen later. The next day, it went as usual. Cold… Most people agreed that girls shouldn’t confess first, it is the boys’ job. Now is 2011, anything is possible, there is no fixed rule in this world. I confessed to him first because I already knew that he likes me. But he never tells me before that. I realize it shouldn’t be that way because his body is like a snowman, lips lock like a person in a library. I hate him for being like that. Never tell me anything, just leave me a question and walk away. Treat me like yesterday trash. I wanted to scream in his face:”WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” I wanted to leave a red mark on his face. Of course, I can’t do that, I can’t hurt him, not that bad. It’s not like he’s having another girl behind my back. If he does, I’ll kick him in the ass.
A word is so difficult to speak out? A greeting is wasting time? A glance is mush easier for him, a talk is never in his mind, it might take away his life. When we had a proper conversation? Never. Why? It’s because he is shy, afraid to speak, afraid of the consequences, just like a coward, like a snail in it’s shell, afraid to look at the outside world. Never make the first step is what he did. Maybe there is, but just backward, not forward. People say we must go forward, he didn’t bother to care bout that because he is afraid of the stupid consequences which might happen between us. I don’t even care. Why he cares bout that since I don’t bother to look at it, not even a glance! My friends and I can have a conversation every day no matter who are they. I thought we are closer. No, it is “were”. We should talk more just like them. Be natural to each other. But, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me just make everything turn upside down, the planet is turning backward. He talks to other like a piece of cake. When he talks to me, it’s like someone is threatening him. So awkward and unreal.
He plays with others, just like facing a tiger. He plays with me just like playing with a kid. Everything bout us is so unreal, I just want to tear it off and burn it! Not throw it into the sea. I hate unreal, things that freak me out, getting on my nerves, bring my mood down the gravity. I thought he will give what I want, what I wish for, that is happiness and satisfaction. Instead, he gave me all this. Every day, every night, I think bout us, bout him, bout what should I do. A final answer is always a guess. I beg the God for a final answer because I don’t want to wait anymore, a small kid sitting under a tree, waiting for the apple to fall. What’s in his mind, why can’t he just freaking tell me?! I really want to know how he feels. Why he keeps everything inside his heart and don’t want to tell me. I want to ask him:”who am I?”
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