Dear Diary:
Celine is here to beg for the God to take away all her confusion and worries. Sometime, Jaden and I didn’t talk although we stay under the same ceiling, the same room, the same atmosphere. We share the same air, but we never share our feelings. Staying close doesn’t mean we are close. Sitting close to each other, but I can feel that we are far apart, one is in the sky, while one is on the ground. It’s almost been a year I fall for him, but the magnets in our hearts never attract to each other. They keep struggling at the same place. When one is trying to walk towards the another, the another will step backward, This is why we can’t connect together. The line is always disconnect. When I walked past him, I wanted to talk to him, but I walked forward and ignored him. It’s not because I’m shy, it’s because I’m tired already, there’s no point talking to him. He doesn’t want to talk to me either, why should I waste my effort to talk to him? Of course there is a guilt in my heart, but I manage to hide it. Somehow, I wish he will suddenly talk to me and persuade me to talk to him although he is kept to his mind.
Sometime, when I stepped out of the big and rusty gate, a “bye” is heard from a distance, I knew it’s him and managed to reply. Sometime, I couldn’t reply. Sometime, I didn’t care. I noticed that he was looking at my back. Of course I didn’t turn my head. When I turned my path, I turned my head and saw him nowhere. Disappointment was in my heart, I turned my head forward and made my way. I know he can’t message or call me, I don’t blame him for that. It’s alright because I thought we can chat at school. Just thought, but nothing happen until now. I want to let go the hope in my heart, what you wish too much might hurt you in the end. Fulfill, he will? Nope. Doesn’t know what I want, what I ask for, what am I thinking. To him, I’m a miserable creature. The moments I wished for are past tense. Why? It’s because none of them happen. So, go on with my miserable life and hear nothing to the whispers, ignore the love angels. I told them to stop shooting at me.
Few months ago, I treat him like a mirror. Walked past him as if I couldn’t see him, couldn’t sense him, couldn’t hear him. Whenever he tried to come near me, I will turn and left the place. I really don’t want to see him. That day, couldn’t he just disappear? Not disappear, just leave me alone for a while. Jaden asked me what happened although he knew it was bout him. Sorry is what he says every time. I’m sick of this! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! All he knows how to say is sorry. Did he really feel sorry before? Says sorry doesn’t mean you really feel sorry. Say sorry before knowing what’s happening is a joke. No barriers between us? They are developing every day. Way to destroy the barrier? There’s a way but he ignores it. Wants me to tell him what I want him to do? Speechless. I knew the answer, but nothing came out. I’d wish he just know it by himself. Why he doesn’t understand me at all? The person who understands me only has the rights to love me. Want to love me? Get to know me first. “I love you.” That’s what he told me. I “was” touched. Now, I doubt it. A person who loves me doesn’t just stand there and watch me breathing, doesn’t wait for me to make the first move, doesn’t request me to allow them to do what they want. Jaden’s a whiteboard, wait for someone to write on him. Yeah, I filled the whiteboard with words. Now, I erase it.
A person who truly loves me exactly knows what to do, they know the meaning of love. Sometime, I doubt that he just wants me for the look, to show off to other people. I’m not a doll in a display room. When he wanted to get my love, he could do anything at first. Then, he got my love and started to be cold towards me. A liquid was transforming to become an ice. After that day, he improved. I was happy because it was a good sign. He cares bout me, still not in real life. Soon, it became the same old situation again. My heart sank, my face fell. Why he keeps treating me this way? Why can’t he just behave like others? A person who really cares bout his girl, not ditching her. I questioned my brother: “Should I wait for him or let go?” He told me to let go of my hands and move on, search for the right guy. Is this making any sense? I am confused and don’t know what to do with the choices on my hand. I do like him, but I’ll be tired if this situation goes on. I don’t wanna lose him, but does everything matters now? I keep getting my legs knock out from under me.
Yeah. I’m always the first one to click the word “send”. I admit that I felt angry bout this last time. Somehow, it’s the fact that I need to click “send” first before he does. Now, I feel like not smsing him anymore unless got important things to inform. When it came to out of the topic, I read the message, I sighed and my finger was almost there to press “delete”. In the end, I didn’t delete neither reply. I placed my phone on the table and did my own things. Later, a second message from him arrived, I did the same thing again. I didn’t know whether to reply him or not. So, while I was doing my stuff, decision was still in my hand. Halfway on the track, I went back to my phone and replied him. Then, the phone was off. Every time, when I felt like not replying him, I will still reply him. Why can’t I just fight back the urge? I know the feeling of waiting for someone is terrible and I don’t want him to feel it. This is so not me.
“Where’d you go? I miss you so” I can feel the feeling twitching in my heart when I think bout him. I’m not sure whether it is fading away or not. When I’m typing this, my heart ache. I can’t help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I try to keep it off my face, I can hide it for one more day, right? There are no words for this now. The first gift he gave to me is still lying endlessly in a box. Look at it every day soon to be my habit. I will give him three choices:1. let go and I let go. 2. Go on with his behavior. I’ll say goodbye and walk away. 3. Do what he can to get me back. A difficult way to solve this for him.
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