The bitter part of life

Jane never thought it will be like this. The unwanted things come to me like a tons of bullets coming straight to me as if she is their enemy, take me to the hall of DEATH. DEVIL is waiting for me at the corner, the devil wants to greet me. She wishes the devil never welcome her, she wants to rip off his head and tell him to leave her alone. I never blame the God for treating me like this, take away her smile, the warm inside her body and the friendliness inside her veins. Much to her dismay. Is it her fault? Is she destroying everything? They leave her. They walk the opposite way and ditch her behind. She looks at their back, watching them until out of sight and tears are he prickling down her face. She shivers because the fear inside her. Fear of losing them. What can she do to remove the fear? Just force a fake smile? Impossible. Tired of doing that.

There's a thing freaks her the most, her best friend is not there for her anymore. A pain. Real pain. Thousands of scorpion are crawling into her body, remove all the nutrients and transfer poison. Heart aching. Stake is in the middle of her heart. Why? She told herself not to blame the God anymore, just blame herself. Maybe it is her fault. Maybe it is her friend' fault too. She ditch Jane and walks with other girl. She let go Jane's hand and holds another hand. She stop moving her mouth in front of Jane and moves her mouth non stop in front of another. She stop waiting for Jane and waits for another. She stop sitting with Jane and sits with another. She stop sharing secrets with Jane and shares with another. She stop thinking bout Jane but another. Jane knows all this without needing to be told. What she don't know can hurt her. What she knows also hurt her. So,what is better to do? Her friend and her are best friends in the sense of name, so called best friends. Now, they "were" best friends. Jane don't want the "were" word in her life. She wants "are". But, it seems that the situation is forcing the "are" word to be kept in the box. Jane will do anything to find the key to unlock it. But, if it's just one of them is improving the situation, while another just ignore it and do what she wants, it's not helping at all, useless. Jane will not give up although it is difficult. The cold and miserable atmosphere is just a piece of cake. Is it? Time will heal. She believes the time.

Yeah, Jane is busy all the time. It affects their friendship. Her friend is sick with her busy life and soon...leave her. Not to say leave. Just they don't stick to each other anymore. Facing a robot who move her pen vigorously, correction tape clinking onto the table, paper swooshing and head turns to the right and left. Never done with it. Which kind of friend would like to watch her friend being a robot every day? No one. It bores her to death. But, it is not wrong too. Jane just want to finish her homework and hand in. So, she can have a good rest at home. What's the matter with it? When Jane's free, her friend is not there anymore. In fact., her friend is not bothering to look for Jane. When Jane's trying to look for her friend. She is not there, so Jane asks someone. Someone told her that she is around somewhere else. Wonders fill her mind. Jane thought : "Why she didn't look for me? Why she didn't tell me? Why she left me alone? This is so not her." She hopes that the person was lying to her. She makes her way, quickens her pace and pulls over when she arrives. Then, she tilts her head and sees her friend. Her shoulder hunches down, a sigh comes out from her mouth, wrinkles appear on her forehead, eyebrows pull closer. Disappointment and anger come together like twins. However, she manages to hide it from her friend because she don't want any war between us. There is none so far. Lucky for her. Somehow, she can sense that the situation is getting worse. When her friends go for outing, they never invite her. She felt left out. It's true. She left out. What to do? She can't just tell them that she wants to join. She will feel embarass and disgrace. Afraid that her friends don't want her to join. When they sees her walking alone, they also never ask her to join. This is why she never request.

Are they true friends? Is Jane thinking too much? Jane did many things for them, helps them anytime. When she ask for their help, their eyes dream the room and walk away or give any excuse that come straight to their mind. She is lazy to ask for help now. They will help her? Unless they change. True friends are willing to lend a hand whenever their friend needs help. She never receive a hand from anyone before. It's sad. Pity for her. She needs to face everything on her own. It will make her become independent. But, everyone need someone by their side to give support and cheers for them. Not someone who stares coldly at her, ignores her glance and skips her topic. Alone is a word to describe her life. Sitting at the dark corner with the ants following each other up the wall. She wants to cry so badly but the tears stuck inside her eyes and refuse to come out. Her heart is dying soon, needs medicine to heal. Warm, kindness, care and love are what she needs to move on, what she needs to become the real person. No black swan, just white swan. Watching her friend with "new" person do makes her feel jealous. Does it matters now? Still do. She is still waiting for her friend to hold her hand. Best girl friends do hold hand since they are young.

The bitterness in her heart is more than the sweetness. A sweet sensation is good to soothe her heart. She wants it now so badly.