Clueless

I don't know how I feel right now? I don't know what am I thinking now. Seriously, I've no idea. I wish I know." thought Veronika. Clueless. Helpless. Useless..... This is bullshit. Why Veronika doesn't even know what's in her mind? Only she knows the best. Maybe in a confusion? Maybe... Hope it's maybe...

Confused? Not sure? Unacceptable? Blur? No idea? Veronika is not sure about her answer. Sigh.... Unpredictable. It just blink in a second. Things got different. Way different than old times. She is sure bout her feelings are different now. What kind of feeling? She doesn't know. She needs time. Time decides everything. Time is the king. Time changes everything too. It changed. We changed. Tears dripping. What's wrong with her? It's her fault. Everything used to be fine. But....now...... All screw up because of her. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. Not exactly the same as it used to be. He's there. Still there for her. She knows he still feel the same for her. Everything is so good. But, why? Why she has to screw up? Selfish... But,she doesn't want to be selfish. So, she ignores... Act as if everything is normal though it's leaking.

You can't cover up a hole when it is meant to be there. Even though you try so hard to fill up the empty space, it will still create a hole there. Love each other is not enough. Still need other things to fill up. Veronika is trying her best to be nice to him. Always smile in front of him. Fake smile or real smile. She doesn't know. She failed. In a sudden, she will be frustrated. Let out her frustration. Madness. Anger. She feels numb. Sad. Guilty. She can't stand to be unnatural. If it's unnatural, it's like lying to him. Sigh... Mistakes.. She had done many mistakes in her life. How can she hide her real feelings from him? He will know it sooner or later. She can't remember when is the last time he hold her hands. When? Sitting under a tree, looking at the blue sky with soft cottons floating on it. She points her finger towards the sky. Wondering what's the first thing she's thinking. Finding the real answer in her mind. Just the real answer. That's all she wants.

Promises.

Promises. I hear your words flying in the mid-air. I hear your words vibrating in my eardrums. I lock your words in my mind, in my heart. Promises. These are promises.

Promises with your sign are gold. Precious and beloved. The one I don't want you to break. The one I don't want you to forget. The one I want you to remember it in your heart. Always.

Never break in a second. You promised me. Never fool me. You swear to God. Never lie to me. You beg on your knees.

Seriously, promises sound good but feel heavy. Promises are not light at all, not a joke! You said it, you do it. It's just not a word. It's something that bound to hold in your palms, to fulfill it. Hold it carefully, don't ever let it slip off from your hand.

There, you said it. I listened and kept it in my heart. I never forget. I'll remind you that you've said it before. You've promised. And I'm giving you a warning not to break your promises. A BIG warning.

Lovely and sweet promises, will you always be there with me until the end? I hope you won't disappear into the mid-air. The ones that made from the love ones. Definitely the ones I wish for.

Promises, please don't go away,I'm begging you. I don't want to lose faith in you. Once you break my heart, I'll never turn my head and look at you again. Once it breaks, it forever gone.

Promise is just like a glass. Once broken,consider "sold'. Clean,shines but dangerous. Hold me, look into my eyes and I have you word. I put all my faith in you, staring deep into eyes and give a slight smile. There, I see trust in you. I know I can trust you. I know you won't break your promises because you'll never ever try. You hold it and I'm waiting for it. Don't try to let go,my dear... 

December Babies Bday Outing

It had been a long time we didn't hang out together. I miss this outing and I want to hang out with them again.Well, we planned this outing a couple of weeks ago to celebrate Pei,Bam,N and CL birthday. Well, they were not born in the same day, but same month. December babies! Haha.

Pei Ling and I reached there about 10.15am. We made our way to tgv cinema to buy Alvin and The Chipmunk 3 tickets. Unfortunately it cost rm14 per person because it is a blockbuster movie. Haiz.....So,in the end, we decided not to watch movie. Then, Pei and I went to buy present for CL and N. We went through a few places. First,we bought a pink monkey for N. Then, we bought a one piece watch for CL. Kesian Pei for holding the cake for so long. The cake was heavy and she couldn't stand it anymore. So, we quickly carried it to Wong Kok Restaurant to let the waiter keep the cake. After that, we walked around and waited the others to arrive. When the others had arrived, we headed to Wong Kok and ordered our lunch. We took a long time to order before Tzer,Q,Min,CL and Mei arrived. Mei and I ordered French Toast. We are always BFF.  The whole group really became siao in just a second. N was really excited bout pressing the button. When N wanted to press the service button, the waiter just stood behind us. Haha! We just burst into laughter and the waiter smiled too. We just kept laughing and making noise all the way. Gosh. We should be in the zoo. When the waitress was holding Bam's dish, she asked whose dish was that, Bam forgot his dish name. Lol. Then, he remembered and the waitress handed him the dish. When she left, she was shaking her head. Lol.. Sick of us. Haha. Well,we are kids. I mean, react like kids. Just having fun. Pei even spilled the milk tea. Geng! Luckily, the waitress didn't mind. If not, we'll be in the trouble as the milk tea was dripping on the cushion. Then, more customer came in and they were staring at us, throwing some weird faces at us as we were making too much noise like some crazy fellas. Then, we sang bday song to the four December babies. N and Pei blew the candles but CL and Bam didn't got to blow it. Naughty N and Pei. We kept snapping photos. We were so full until we couldn't manage to eat the cake. Gosh.

After the lunch, we headed to Redbox. Bam,J,Mei and I were not planning to sing. We went in earlier on, but we got kicked out by the waiter over there. Ok,fine. So I've decided to leave because I don't sing and I've to buy something too. So, four of us left Redbox and walked around pyramid. I went to buy stuff,Mei helped me while J and Bam just followed us. Finally, I got something for her.haha! J and Bam even followed us into boutiques like Kitschen, Forever 21 and others which sell girls stuff. Haha. When Bam requested to sit down, Mei decided to go Chatime, but there were too many people making a beeline to buy the drinks. So, we switched place to Honeymoon. We ordered and three desserts. There was a baby girl stood on the sofa. Haha. She left when we sat down. Then, she walked towards us and stood beside me when we were looking our menus. She was so cute with two little ponytails. She even stepped and sat on my handbag. That's "great". I didn't mind, she was just a kid. Haha. So cute la! I got the urge to pinch her chubby little face. She gave a few "High 5" to J. Two kids were giving "High 5" to each other. LOL. Her family asked her to leave us alone, but she didn't bother them and kept looking at us. I love it when she was sticking to me and sat beside me. Haha. That moment, she was sitting on my handbag. Then, when she almost left. She said some word and laughed. She kept repeating it and we burst into laughter including her family. I think J taught her the words and laughed. So,she followed. Haha,kids! So adorable! Then, she left. I wanna took photo with her but missed the chance. I was afraid her family will mind too. I miss her!!! Haha..

A Thousand Years

"A Thousand Years" is one of my fav songs. I feel touched whenever I listen to this song. Well, I fall for it because of the melody at first. When I watched "Breaking Dawn" and the song flew, it just clicked. It added sweetness into the atmosphere. More touching. I love the scene and the song, of course. Well, these are the lyrics.

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

It Will Change

It will change, I believe. I didn't believe at the first time. I was a fool yet immature. No,not a fool. It's just unpredictable. It's faith. It's the God's decision. It'll never be mine.

Life goes with time. It changes all the time. I used to think that everything will remain on the same spot. What an idiot? I thought everything will be perfect, everything will move on the same path as it used to be. But I was wrong. I was too fool to expect that everything will goes as I wished. Nevermine, I learned a lesson. Wait, not just one. Now, I don't expect everything to go as I want. I don't hope more. I just hope a little. The more you hope, the more disappointed you are in the end. It just won't remain on it's own state, it won't be good all the time. There'll be another path. Another change. Another thing you've to face. Another disappointment. Another regret. Another pain...

Do you think it will just be the same all the time? Do you think it won't change later? Are you sure bout it? I'm not sure about some words I said. I'm not sure about the decisions that I made. I'm not sure the "stuff" in my life. It freak me out. Just a change, it changes my life. It changes everything. I'm afraid of changes but I've to deal with it. Everything I hear,see, touch or feel it, I believe they will change one day. I don't dare to promise that they won't change. Even though I can't predict or feel it, but I can make sure that they won't just remain on that specific spot. I can damn make sure they will move a very tiny distance though it will not be a big one. A tiny change can make a big difference. Changes can be good or bad. Fortunately, I made a good change in my life. A big change and most of them notice it.

Those plants out there had shifted a little under the hot blazing sun. I'm sure you'll change either. Maybe not now. But soon.

One more cry

There. Standing on the marble floor. Like a fool. Clenching her fist tightly with her burrowed eye browns. Biting her lower lip when she heard those words. Questions and anger flow through her spine. Blood boiling like mad and swallowed the lump in her throat at last.

    Walking bristly down the street, the hot sun blazing on her skin, it makes her feels worse than ever. Stepping out of the street, she doesn't care if there is any cars coming towards her. She doesn't even bother to turn her head, eyes focus on one point, mind blur and just walks forward till the end. Tears are starting at her eyes, she keeps blinking back her tears, never give a chance to let them fall. Folding her hands in front of her chest, two fingers pinching her skin and keep walking. Whatever they are talking bout, it doesn't matter to her. She just want to get out of that damn area. When he is talking to her, she told him to shut up. She doesn't want to hear his voice. Though he is trying to be nice that time, but she can't stand it. His jokes are not funny at all, they are annoying! Just pull a face, that's what she does.

     She feels relax after taking a nap. That clears out all the frustration. When she woke up from her bed, she realises her mum and sis are going out for shopping. Her mum doesn't even bother to ask her. Her sis keeps asking her to go but she doesn't want unless her mum asks her. In the end, she just watches them go. Then, she rides on her treadmill, she just feels like doing it. She turns on the radio, fix the volume to a higher pitch, locked the room and starts jogging on it. Her heart ache, she feels lonely, the hot sun is streaming through the window. She usually won't grip the handle when she is jogging. But this time,she does. She grips the handle so tightly and twists it when she bursts into tears to keep her from falling. Afraid of collapsing, afraid of a halt, she grips tighter and breathing hard. Tears keep rolling down her cheeks, her cheeks turn red, eyes redden, she wipes it away from her cheeks. When she stops crying, another tear is trying to fall again. Here goes the others. Thanks to the music that covers her weeping voice from her father. She prefers to cry alone. Just her.
However, she tells herself not to cry anymore.

     After that,she goes downstairs. Sitting in front of the glass door, calling her beloved dog. Her dog comes out from the corner and walks towards her. It is wagging its tail and looking at her with its round black eyes. She caress its head and smile at her dog. She feels good. That's what she wants. At least she knows there is someone who loves her and there is someone that she has to care for. Her dog licks her palm and lifts its paw. Usually,she doesn't like her dog to lick her but she let it this time. She needs love and care. All of that doesn't matter to her that moment.

Breaking Dawn Part 1

I watched "Breaking Dawn Part 1" for twice. First time was when I watched it with my friends last friday. Last Saturday, I watched again with my sister as we got two free tickets in MBO. I was quite excited when I stepped in the cinema. It's Breaking Dawn! I read all the books. The story is fascinating. I knew the movie is going to be not as interesting as the book. Still, I wanna watch it, very badly. Bella was so pretty in this movie. Freaking pretty. I love her hairstyle when she was trying the white high heels which was meant for her wedding. It was so cool. I love her high heels too! Awww. She was glowing, I love her eyes and her legs. Skinny and long. She was so slim! I don't like Edward's hairstyle. It made him looked old. Eww.. I love the wedding scene. The setting and everything was awesome. Gosh,I love the decoration. It's my dream bout wedding. My wedding gotta be like that though I never think bout my marriage. Champagne, dance,music, decoration and good-looking people especially pretty girls! LOL! I prefer Bella's first wedding dress with those blood stains on it. Lol. I mean it would look nicer without the blood stains,of course. The second wedding dress was too simple. I always mix up Bella's mum and Edward's mum. They looked 90% similar. When Bella was walking down the aisle, that is where the touching part begins. Her dress smoothening the aisle, holding a bouquet of flowers, swallowing the lump in her throat, high heels pounding on the floor, love music playing with its rhythm, adding love to the atmosphere. Lastly, she saw her prince, Edward, she flashed a slight smile and walked towards him. Facing him with those glistening eyes, both watched each other in delight. Nervous. Saying "I do" in front of everyone. End it with a long kiss.

          Well,their honeymoon is honeymoon. Nothing special. After the first night means they had sex already, Edward avoided from touching Bella. Running away from her no matter what Bella did. After that, Bella found out that she was pregnant after she ate a raw chicken meat. Vomit... Edward shocked. Then, they went back to their home. Carlisle checked on her but he had no idea to save her. Edward wanted that "thing" out but Bella wanted to keep the foetus. Nope, her baby.  The wolf pack aim for Bella, they wanted to kill her when they knew bout the baby. Jacob was frustrated when she got the baby. But Jacob decided to protect Bella when the wolf pack went for her. Bella lacked of blood,she became thinner, weak and weird with her big fake tummy. Then, she gave birth to her baby. She died because lack of blood. The movie didn't show how the baby came out. It just suddenly appear in Rosalie's arms. Edward was depressed for sure. The wolf pack went to their house. The vampires fight with the wolves. Till Jacob jumped out and said:"If you kill her,you kill me". Then,the wolves back off. Lol. The part where Bella laid on the bed, she looked like a skeleton nor a drug addict. Gosh! Super damn skinny. The movie end with Bella opened her eyes. Her eyes were red. That's all. Quite disappointed bout it as always. What to expect? Sigh.... Bella and Edward kept kissing from the beginning till the end. I didn't pay to watch them kiss, I paid to watch the interesting part. I just hoped that part 2 will be nicer. Though it gonna be disappointing.

Zoo Negara Volunteer Program

Weee! I went to Zoo Negara Volunteer Program today. At first, I was forced by my sister. Then,I promised to be the photographer and volunteer after listening to her moans... Well,we woke up at 5.55am in the morning,I didn't have enough sleep as I went to bed at 11.15pm yesterday nite. I couldn't sleep that early, so I was struggling on the bed. Then, my sister and I went to Yi Waey's house after the preparation. Her's uncle sent us to Wangsa Maju LRT. My sister and her friends gathered at the bus stop. Actually, we planned to go to the zoo by bus. After waiting for the bus to pull over, we decided to hop in the taxi as we were late. 10 of us divided into 3 taxi. After 10 minutes, we arrived the zoo's entrance around 8.15am. The security guard snapped a few photos of us. We met another two friends of my sister there. After the supervisor had briefed bout the program, 12 of us were separate into groups. Unfortunately, my sister and I got into the same group. We followed a Malay girl behind. She is pretty. Haha. We followed her all the way inside the zoo. Our department was the furthest, which is the ape centre. Along the way, we passed the deers,giraffes,zebras, goats and lots of animals. When the deers were looking at her and kept calling her as they've known her, we thought we were going into that department. Unfortunately, it was not. Then, we walked deeper, we saw giraffes. Once again,we thought it was going to be it. It was not again.... We walked further down and reached the ape centre. Unpredictable.

     At the beginning, I hope our department was not the ape centre, insects,hippo, bees and butterfly department. Out of expectation, we got the ape centre. The ape centre was not bad actually. The sad thing was, we couldn't touch those apes. My God! Our job was to sit around the corner, a table stood in front of us and there were boards on the table written: LEAVE YOUR FOOD HERE. NO FOODS AND DRINKS ALLOWED. NO SMOKING. NO FEEDING. So,we just had to make sure there's no one break the rules. We warned them. That's all. Oh ya, and kept their food. That time was 9 something, so there were no customers yet. We took a look in the ape centre. Watched the orang utans and chimpanzees. Took a lot of photos. There's an office inside, apes were inside, but we couldn't enter. Too bad, we just had to stay outside and watched the apes. Soon after,we got bored and moaning.... We wanted to do something, we didn't want to just sit here and wait for the customers. Our break time was 10.20am, then we leaved the ape centre and walked around the zoo. Snap the animals, said hi to them and pity them.... Especially the lion. God! The lions were so damn freaking thin. I could see through their bones. My God! Two tigers were fighting for a food. A coconut! A coconut?! I thought it was a meat at first. But it was a coconut. Pity them....After I walked around the zoo, I realised the animals were almost vegetarian. Tigers eat coconut. Apes eat cabbage and grass. Deers eat dried leaves. Most of them eat grass. The hippo was the most fat animal in the zoo. Super fat!

     After the break time, we went to out department and worked again. We just sat there and kept moaning, kept counting the time. Hoping the time will fly faster. Then,our lunch started at 12.30pm. We were so hungry, my stomach kept singing all the way to the restaurant. Before lunch, we took a look at the animals first. We went to see penguins!!! PENGUINS!!! CUTE LITTLE PENGUINS WITH THEIR LITTLE FEET! I love their style of walking. SO DAMN CUTE! There were two penguins kept looking at me. But they looked sad. Aww, I think they wanna get out that place.The water was not clean and their home was small. They called it the" Penguin House". My God. I had the urge to hide them in my bag and bring back home! After that, we went to the aquarium. It looked small on the outside,but it was bigger than it actually looked. I was not really interested on those fishes. I just wanted the air-con. So refreshing. Haha. Then, we went for fast food. I ordered an ice cream. It cost rm5.90 per scoop in a cone. Luckily, it was quite big. All of us gathered in the restaurant and shared bout our department. Looks like my department was the most boring. The others could touch the animals, clean the floors,clean their shit, they just got things to do,unlike us. We were so damn free.
After the lunch, we worked again. In the same department,of course.

         At 4pm, we leaved the ape centre. Our work was finally over. The rain begun,luckily it was not heavy. My sister and I visit the zoo again. We watched the elephants,giraffes and others while holding an umbrella...  We kept walking and walking till we met my sister's friend. I bought souvenirs as someone asked me to. Lol. I saw dolphin soft toy, it was not expensive. I wanted to buy so badly but I knew my sister won't let. So,I just looked at it and leaved. Then, we took photos again and walked again... Looked at the animals.... My legs were cramping and soaring. I almost collapse. I wanted to massage my legs so badly. Bout 5.25pm, we left the zoo and we took taxi back to the LRT. Then,we took LRT to Kelana Jaya. Finally,we took bus from Kelana Jaya to a bus stop at Sri Kl and went home by car.....

PS: Hope the animals will get fatter and fatter..I don't see any horse. T.T

Mr.Know It All.

The more I listen to this song, the more I fall into it. The melody is cool. The lyric is awesome. Gosh,I just love this song. Still,I prefer "If I die Young". Haha....


Kelly Clarkson – Mr. Know It All Lyrics
mr. know it all
well you think you know it all
but you don’t know a thing at all
ain’t it something y’all
when somebody tells you something ’bout you
think that they know more than you do
so you take it down, another pill to swallow
mr. bring me down
well you like to bring me down, don’t ya?
but i ain’t laying down
baby i ain’t going down
can’t nobody tell me how it’s gonna be
nobody’s gonna make a fool out of me
babe, you should know that i lead, not follow
[chorus]
oh you think that you know me
that’s why i’m leaving you lonely
‘cause babe, you don’t know a thing about me
you don’t know a thing about me
you ain’t got the right to tell me
when and where to go, no right to tell me
acting like you own me lately
yeah, baby, you don’t know a thing about me
you don’t know a thing about me
mr. play your games
only got yourself to blame
when you want me back again
but i ain’t fallin’ back again
‘cause i’m living my truth without your lies
let’s be clear, baby – this is goodbye
i ain’t comin’ back tomorrow
chorus
so what, you’ve got the world at your feet
and you know everything about everything
but you don’t
you still think i’m comin’ back but baby, you’ll see
chorus
mr. know it all
well you think you know it all
but you don’t know a thing at all
yeah, baby, you don’t know a thing about me
you don’t know a thing about me

 This song represent "that person" who thinks he/she knows everything but he/she doesn't at all. He/she thinks that he/she knows me very well. Nope, you're not. So,you don't have the right to love me. Wanna be with me, well, you gotta know me deeper. Since, you don't know me at all and keep acting that you know me, MOVE ASIDE!

Mr/ Mrs. Bring Me Down, you like to bring me down,don't ya? I know you do, you destroyed my life. Well, I had a new life now and you can't bring me down. You're out of the circle. Just go away! Just stay in your own world and don't step in my world. Don't worry, I won't step in your world. I'll just stay inside my circle, I feel so comfortable here. I'm so happy, but you're not,right? Well, good luck!

Shut Up and Listen

Just leave me alone and shut up. I'm begging you. I'm tired. So tired of your nag and everything. Stop mumbling and just keep quiet. Sorry that I'm being rude....

I can't stand it anymore. You won't stop mumbling, you won't stop complaining every day. Complaining about me all the time even though it involves small matter. Blaming everything on me although it is not my fault. You will say: "It's all your fault." Every day, you'll say :" Why you can't learn? Why you can't change? Why you can't improve?" Actually,I'm learning, I'm changing and I'm improving.It's just that you missed it, you can't see it because you don't even bother. You don't even bother to know me. The only thing you know is keep mumbling in front of me. Keep expressing your dissatisfaction. You don't know me at all. You think you know it all,but you don't. You don't know what I like to do, what I like to eat and what am I thinking. You seem like a stranger. You called me useless. I said:" Why don't you just don't give birth to me at first?" I was expecting that you would say something nice. Then, you replied:"If I know you're this kind of person, I won't give birth to you." My heart broke into pieces. My mood fell and my tears sprang down. I was shocked and speechless. You called me useless every time and I tried to ignore because I wanted to prove that you were wrong. I studied so hard, kept on studying. I didn't care whether I was tired or sick, I just kept on studying, joining societies and did a lot of stuff to impress you. In fact, you are not impress. You never praise me. Never in my life. I showed my result, and you'll just scold me for those I didn't score as you've expected. If I got B,you'll ask why I didn't get A. If I got 90, you'll ask why I didn't get 100. At first, you wanted me to be active in societies. Now, you kept on scolding me. You want me to quit those societies, but I can't. I can't do that. I put on a lot of effort and time on it,now you want me to quit. Never. My teachers praise me, but you never. I wish you could just praise me for once. I tried to do a lot of thing for you but you never notice. You just look at the bad side, keep finding my weakness. Where's my good side? Why you never even bother to look at it? I'm tired. I give up. I did so many thing and you still call me useless. You just praise my sibling. What bout me? Am I your daughter?

When you said:" Get good result is not everything. What for getting good result? You're still useless.", I was hurt. What do you want?! What do you want me to do,then you'll look at me with proud. I'm a human,not a doll. I got feelings. Don't you know how hurt I was when you said that word. When you scold me everytime, my confidence and pride getting weaker and I feel like a total jerk. A useless person as u said. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough. Everything I did didn't match your wish. You never accept what I did. You never accept my opinion. You never accept everything bout me. You think you're right all the time while I am wrong. I'm a fool while you're the smart one. Why you never listen to me? Why can't you just listen to what I've said? I've my own rights to speak up. I've my rights to make decision. I'm grown up. I need privacy. I'm pretty so I no need privacy and you must control me strictly? Wow. What a "good" reason. I'm fed up and sick of it. So from now on,just leave me alone and shut up. Don't force me to the end of the path. I need my own way.

Missing Someone

When you're missing someone, your mind is all about that person. The person you miss.Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. Sometime, when one person is missing, the whole world is dull and lifeless. Winter is begin, I feel cold, shivering, without you, there is no warm.  I don't feel safe. When I think about you, I feel warm inside my heart. A slight smile appears. I don't want to feel your absence, so I hate winter. It gives me the shrill. I want to feel your presence everywhere, every time.If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.

When you go away from me
The world beats dead
Like a slackened drum....

What shall I do with all the days and hours? Waiting for you and missing you.I dropped a tear in the ocean.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together?  I guess that wouldn't work.  Someone would leave.  Someone always leaves.  Then we would have to say good-bye.  I hate good-byes.  I know what I need.  I need more hellos. Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. We only part to meet again.Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.  If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. 

Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly,
We ought to be together, you and I.

 

Genting with Mei Yee! Tada!

Mei Yee, my family and I went to genting by car straight up to the resort. The mist was everywhere, totally surrounding us. It was raining that moment. Luckily it was not that heavy. Thank God. Before that, the rain was so heavy in KL and my dad actually wanted to cancel it. We waited in the petrol station for the rain to stop. Once it stopped, we move on our journey but it rained  and stopped again. What a weather. Then, Mei yee and I separated once we reached there. We went to the ticket counter to buy ticket but we couldn't buy it as it was raining outside, so we had to wait for the rain to stop. Then, we went to BUM CITY for shopping. Both of us bought a ring. Actually, we wanna buy a present for bamboo,but we failed to find it. I forgot to buy a cap again. LOL. After that, we made a beeline towards the ticket counter again. Finally, we bought the outdoor theme park ticket and got 10% discount as I borrow my mum's world card.

        When we took the escalator, we saw the outside was totally blurred, mist was everywhere. Our first reaction is: OMG! Nevermine, we bought the ticket already, we just have to play. Our first game was the tea cup. There were a few people queue up, so we just hop in. Then, the second one is the merry-go-round with those horses on it. LOL. We didn't know what to play,so we just joined in and ride on the fake horses. We were just like small kids,haha. We ride the antique car which we had to press the button to move the car on the railway. I forgot the fourth game which is the children ride la. Not important. Haha. After that, we made our way to the pirate ship once it was opened. When we were queuing up for the pirate ship, almost all the games were opened already because the rain has stopped. When we were riding the pirate ship, we screamed as usual, competing with the opposite ones. Then, we made our way to the spinner. Before that, we wanna have a ride on the cyclone but it was closed. Haiz.. After the spinner, we made a beeline towards the corkscrew which is the 360 degree roller coaster. I forced Mei Yee to go with me. That was her first time had a ride on the corkscrew. She was so nervous and kept taking several deep breaths while I kept convincing her not to be afraid, it would be fun and she will want to play again for the second time. She said she trusted me this time, so yeah, she went on. Haha. When we were going up, she was so damn freaking nervous beside me. I ask her what is the definisi of kepercayaan kepada tuhan, amanah, harga diri and bertanggungjawab. When we were about to go down, she said she forgot the definisi of bertanggungjawab. Then, we just went down.....Just non-stop screaming all the way till the end. She didn't even open her eyes and her heart almost pop out. Haha. However, she dare to try for the second time. She said she don't want to trust me anymore. Haha.When we wanted to ride for the second time, too bad there were too many people lining up. So, we went to the flume ride. Fortunately, there were just a few people lining up. The boat was filled up with water. When the boat was moving, we took a few photos. When the boat was going up, Mei Yee kept saying OMG! OMG! OMG! When the boat was about to slide down, the water flush forward and filled up Mei Yee's shoes. Then,we went down with a splash and got totally wet. Mei Yee said :Sher Fern's games are always like that. Hmph! Lol. I really like these kind of games. Fascinating. We were shivering on the way to the second slide as we were wet and the wind was blowing towards us. So, once again we were moving up the longer slide, we kept saying OMG! OMG! OMG! till the hill. Mei Yee asked me whether she could scream or not. Then I said: "Yes, you can." Then, we screamed, gripped the bar tightly way down with a bigger splash. That moment, our clothes got wetter. That was fun, I said to her. She pulled a face.

      After that,we went to the food court for lunch. We ate sizzling hot pan yee mee. I started to get tired as I didn't have enough sleep. After the lunch, we went for flying dragon. We waited for 30 minuted until we got our turn. 5 super hyper girls were queuing in front of us. They took photos with different post and asked me to help them to take. I called them " the Flying Dragon girls". I remembered Yiming and Yee didn't dare to sit with me last time as they were afraid that my bones would crack. This time, Mei Yee sat with me. When the Flying Dragon was turning, Mei Yee bang me and got my bones "crack". Haha. Not crack lah. Just a hit. After that, we went for the boating. Two small kids cut our line and rampas our boat! How dare?! They should respect us as we are the elder ones. Cheh! We kept saying their bad words behind their back as their don't understand chinese. LOL. Then, we planned to revenge and memorise their's boat number which is 18. Unfortunately, our boat was the teruk one, the thing on it couldn't function. So, we had to think how to get back. We kept cycling backwards while the others cycled forward as our boat could only function backwards.We failed to revenge. My legs were wobbling and sore that time. Once we got to our feet, I was panting. After that, we went to the pirate ship again. Twice. So, we ride the pirate ship for three times in total. We saw a pretty girl who stood behind us. Goddamn, she is so pretty though she make up. But her make up was natural. Mei Yee and I non-stop looking at her like perverts. LOL. Mei Yee and I non stop screaming in the pirate ship. Well, fake scream. The ones who sat opposite were not active enough. I was the one who screamed first, then the others screamed. When the ship was about to stop, I still argh...... Then, we played the spinner again. 3 times continuously because less people played that. We played it for five times in total. Our head also spin already.  Then,we went for the astro fighter because we didn't know what to play already. Then, we took a few pictures here and there. Too bad,dinosaur land  was closed. After that, we just went back at 6.30pm. That's all. Slept in the car.

The Day before Genting

Yesterday, Mei yee, my best friend came to my house. My mum went out with her friends while my dad went out with his friend too. Mei yee and I end up staying at home. Just she and I. Oh yeah! Jojo too! Kesian Jojo, she doesn't has friend. She is too small but she is pretty and cute leh!We watched "My princess" in the living room. She stayed one night at my house before going to genting on the next day. Well, I was using my computer and she was sitting beside me, watching me using facebook. My television was on that time as I wanted to watch "X-factor". When she got bored, she just laid on the sofa and feel asleep. Then, 1 friend of mine ask me to confirm whether she was asleep. So, I got to my feet and whacked my sofa. Yeah,she got shocked and I laughed. Hah. She said I disturbed her sleep. She couldn't sleep anymore after that. Sorry lohh....Hahaa... Then, I continued using my computer. Mei Yee and I goggled the high recommended phone but we don't know what to buy yet. About 12.00am, we went to bed.Before that, she wanted to charge her phone but she didn't want to wake up again in 2 hours time. So she decided to charge in the next morning which is 5.30am. Yeah,she set the alarm. The alarm rang and it disturbed my sleep. Actually, I tried to sleep again, but she kept moving her body left and right. Then,she saw me woke up. I got to my feet and switched on the light. Then,I went to bed again and tried to sleep. This naughty Mei Yee rolled into my bed and laid beside me which caused me lack of space. I totally couldn't sleep already, so we ended up talking on my bed. When the clock stroke 6.30am,we got to our feet and prepare ourselves to Genting.

Afraid of Losing Her

Lawrence realises there is something between them but he also realises there's a change between them. He feels strange and scared. Real scared. The atmosphere thickened. Worries in his heart,wrinkles on his forehead. He doesn't know what to do. He feels like crying but he can't. He is so afraid of losing her. Forever...

    Well, Lawrence has to accept the fact that Crystal has a lot of friends. Her pretty face attracts the bees surrounding her. He is consider the lucky one who got her attention successfully. Yeah, they're together and everyone knows that. Still,there are some jerks who try to flirt with her. He knows he should get use to it, but jealousy always grow in his heart. Everytime he tries to convince himself that it's okay, she loves him and he loves her too and she's belong to him. She can't be belong to anyone but him. Just him. Yeah. Hope so.

     Sigh....If he says he's not jealous. It's definitely a lie. When he sees her being around with other guys, smiling and talking to each other. His heart begins to ache and his hand has the urge to punch those guys in the face. Hard. Those jerks... Unfortunately, some of his friends fall for her too which is really painful. They are his friends and she's his girlfriend. Sigh....Well, he can't stop her from talking to them. She has her own freedom and he doesn't want her to get angry. He rather be jealous than losing her.

     A few weeks ago, he started to feel something was going on. She met a guy. Of course that guy likes her but he is not sure whether she likes him or not. She keeps talking to him but him. They're still together but he is not sure whether she has the same feeling for him as he does. The way she looks at him and the way she talks to him has changed. They seldom hang out since then. When he calls her, she says she is busy all the time. So,they barely talking to each other. He misses her and he loves her. He will do anything to get her back in many ways to make sure she's still belong to him.
    
      Never leave him is the only request from him. Never ask for too much. If she doesn't love him anymore, he won't force her to stay because he knows a relationship won't spark with a one-sided love. He prefers to let her be happy and be free. Just as she wants. Although he knows he'll suffer without her,his life will be an empty box, dull as coffin. It is just a prediction, now he still has her in his hands and he'll grab her tightly no matter what. The feeling of losing someone, you'll never want to try.

Freak Out Day

My tears didn't come out for a long time until yesterday. It just rolled down out of a sudden. I tried to hold back but I can't. It's too difficult after what had the witch done to me. It was alright at first as I was used to situation already. It was not the first time.

   Yeah, the witch did saw the message. Gosh,I knew it gonna end badly but I tried to stay calm. Till now, I still don't understand why being friend with a guy is a crime? It's like knowing a criminal! I feel like a criminal too, doing something real bad. I believe I didn't but the witch thinks I did. Why she thinks every guy is bad? What bout my dad? Is he bad too? DUH....I don't understand, I wish I do but this is so ridiculous. Now is 2011, not 19th century. She lives in the past, but I don't! That moment she saw the message, I acted I don't know and kept playing with my dog till my dad asked me bout the message, then I answered. I knew they wanted an explanation, the witch wanted a proof. She wanted to make a call, I stopped it as I didn't want that person to involve in this matter. This is just me and the witch.

     I was calm and steady....When she said that she knew my facebook got a lot of bad guys. That's what she said. She said she asked someone to "enter" my facebook acc just to check on me. I was frustrated, my blood boiled and I really got the urge to flee from my house. How could she do that? How could she ask someone's help to check on me? I've my own freedom and she said this age no need freedom! WTH!!! This age no need to private? WOW! Why don't she just hire a detective to follow me?! That's better,isn't it? Just lock me in the jail or whatever. I'm 16, not a small kid. I'm not a jerk. I'm a mature teenager, I know what is wrong and right. After that, I just screamed at her and said something which is private. Then,I went upstairs,lock myself in my room, holding a bucket of BR ice cream and watching TV while I was sobbing. I was questioning myself and yet felt sorry for screaming at her. I felt like apologizing but I couldn't do it when I think bout what had she done.

      After I had cried, I just laid on the bed and fell asleep. I'm so tired till now. So tiring. Being with her, I need a lot of patience. I need to control myself and my tears.

Depress

We sure depress anytime,anywhere and any reason. We can't get away from depress. It's a feeling, an emotion, part of our expression. It portrayed on the face nor heart. Hide it in the heart and show a fake smile.Why are we depress? We depress because of unhappy things happen in our life. Those things didn't go as we want, so we are unsatisfied and depress.

    We can't hope those things go as we want every time because life is NOT fair. The God can't protect us every time. The God can't satisfied us every time. It depends on our luck and effort. Sometime, when we put on a lot of effort, those thing don't go well as we want too. The result makes us depress. We feel that this is so unfair! The one who is selfish and not hard-working gets it all and become success while the one who does everything like a cow doesn't get any reward. People blame them when they do something wrong. We think that being nice won't get benefit. Being nice won't get pay-back, others won't be nice to you. Being nice won't get compliments while the ones who are selfish and evil get people' heart and become the center of the crowd.

    Once again, Life is unfair. We become depress when we can't get the things we want: reward, compliments, price, people' agreement and satisfaction. We become depress when we don't get attention of the crowd. We become depress when people don't thank us and appreciate us when we help them. We become depress when we're not being appreciated and out of the group. We become depress when we're alone. However, who cares when we're depress. So, just care yourself.

     Those people who blame everything on you , scold you in front of the crowd, kick you out of the society and never lend a helping hand are selfish. They destroy you, want you to get out of their world. They success, but they success because of you. You're the one who success,not them. You did everything,not them. You become depress because you don't understand why they don't appreciate your effort. You become depress when your friend betray you. However, everyone is selfish. It's difficult to find someone who is willing to sacrifice for you. Everyone is busying defending for themselves. Just themselves, you're out of the list. Who are you? For them, you're just a slave. Once you are useless,you are out.

      This is society. This is life. Get depress when you're in the society is a common thing. Happiness just don't come in a sudden. Depress affects you. If you want to be happy,seek happiness. It's out there waiting for you. When depress gone, happiness come.

An Idiot girl.

Poor Janice, another bad experience.The same experience. Twice. Sad but not angry. Disappointed but never blame anyone but her for doing the same mistake again. What a stupid girl. Real dumb. I guess.

How many times do she want to get hurt until she can understand there is no hope anymore? How many times? Total no hope. She and the thing. She feel like slapping herself, real hard so she can wake up. At least realise something and be mature. She feel like crying, but her tears won't come out at all. The depression portrayed on her face. She hope she can be wiser, think smart and be positive. Non-stop questioning herself, why? why? why? Why does she keep hoping? Why does she keep trusting? Why does she keep believing that there will be a good ending? In the end, all screw up. It didn't go the way as she wants. It just went upside down. Everything goes wrong. Why does it have to opposite? Why does it have to kill her interest,trust and hope? It kills everything in her heart, change the way how she thinks and the way she feels. Becoming a different person. It doesn't matter. Who matters anyway? So does she. She just want to feel right, everything back to normal and everything goes its actual path.

When "the guy" says something, she trusts it. When "the guy" says something "nice", she falls for it. When "the guy" asks her out, she takes it seriously. In the end, "the guy" didn't show up. She feel like an idiot, sitting there and waiting for "him" to show up. Hoping that "he" will come and meet up. After waiting for several hours, "the guy" doesn't show up. She is frustrated, and anger flow through her spine, blood boiling, clenching her fist and feel like punching her face but not "his". Punching her to wake up!!! Just wake up!!! Argh! How can she be such a fool? How can she dreaming? There's barely a happy ending. She is a fool, a blind girl who doesn't know what is real or fake. A girl who never realise after getting hurt for a few times. A girl who living in the midst. Hoping and disappointing. Smiles and sighs.... It's time to wake up from her dream now. It's time to move on. Not to rely on somebody. Not to trust a person too much. Not to hope too much.

Ps: Just smile, don't cry. It doesn't worth it.

"She" again!

  This is the second time I write bout this person. One of my best friend. This "little girl" is such a nice person although "she" doesn't look like one. Haha! Just kidding. "She" looks serious but "she" is never one. Funny, lame and speechless... Cute? Sometime. Silly,Yeah!!! Smart though but still lose to me. Hah! By the way, I never "chuan"! Okay? Duh.....  The sad thing is "she" doesn't has perfect bodyline. Whatever! Doesn't matter, as long there is good personality inside "her".

   I like this person because "she" never leaves me, might ignore me sometime. The next day, "she" will talk to me again. Others left but "her". I'm "touched". Hah! Lol! Yeah, seriously when I think bout it, I'm touched. I mean I just realise that I have such a good friend by my side. My eyes were blurred last time. Just kept crying. Till now I realise "her". I express everything, totally everything except some minor one. You know, you can't just know everything. There must be some secrets, mystery only syok! Living in the midst is fun!  I don't mention bout my family to anyone else but "her" and some people who actually understand the situation between my family and I. Most of my friends don't understand,so yeah. I don't tell them. When I can't stand it, I will express my frustration to her. Not towards. Gosh! This family thing really sickens me! Well, other people might feel bored. Maybe she does but she never show it. When I have problems, I will find "her". When I on msn, "she" will be there, so it's very easy for us to communicate. I will find "her" no matter I'm sad,happy,frustrating,silly or whatever. People will find their friends whenever they feel like finding them.

   "Her" presence really helps me a lot. Way too much. Over. It's hard to find someone like "her". I mean,in my world, there's barely anyone like "her". Not to say others are bad. "She" is a good person,that's all. I remember that moment I thought about negative stuff, "she" was there convincing me that everything is fine. It's okay. It was not okay,actually. It was HELL. Fortunately, because of "her", I'm in heaven now. Meaningful and wonderful life. Because of "her", I love my life now and managed to forget bout the past. Of course not forget practically, but not to think bout it. It works. Just makes me think bout the happy ones. "Others" were frustrating and just nod their heads when I told bout my past to them but her. She will never feel frustrating. She will talk with me and discuss bout it. Trying to think of a solution. It makes me think of someone. That person frustrated and left. Been ignored. Now is different...

    I know I annoyed "her" before. I made "her" angry. I got on "her" nerves and I'm sorry. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for being understanding. "She" is the one who understands me the most which I'm glad bout there's someone who really understands me. I'm very sorry. Really sorry. Thank you for forgiving me. Without "her",I won't be sitting here and typing. I'll be somewhere doing useless thing. I know "she" cares bout me and I care bout "her" too. Although "she" didn't express how "she" feels but I know. I think I'll be a useless person without her. A person keep moaning all the time. But, I'm not now. My life changes. I'm lucky to have "her". I'll never forget "her" Never in my life. Especially "her" laughter.Really special! Haha! I got one request for "her": PLEASE EAT MORE AND GET MORE FATS!"

PS: Thank you for staying by my side all the time. I'm really glad that I've known you.